Addendum

To the previous.....but not on the same exact topic. In my head there's a connection, but I don't have the energy to explain.

Sundays.

Since I can remember, Sundays were spent with my family. Lunch wherever, then back to the house to just spend time together. In the past couple of years, those days took a detour. Progressively less time spent at the house with my family. There was still lunch, but even those got fewer and farther between. Now I look back and realize I haven't sat down to a meal with my mother and grandmother in months. Thanksgiving doesn't count.

I could blame the trend on a few things, but in reality it's my fault. See my previous quotable blog about "No One Makes You Do It." I chose other things and people over the family. It used to be the four of us, then daddy was gone, and it was just the three. And it was kind of empty. But we slowly found ways to fill that gap. Not replace him, we never could. Nor would I want to. Daddy, I miss you so much sometimes.

A relationship or physical distance is never an excuse to neglect your family. Ever. Especially if that distance is a tiny 35 miles from Plano to Southeast Dallas. I'd make that drive for friends in a heartbeat. Why then, is it just too much to do it once a week for the people who shaped who I am?

And now, the regret. They can't go out and enjoy lunches anymore. They're mostly confined to the house unless I'm driving and then trying to escort them wherever, praying neither falls. Because if it's not distance, it's my selfishness. It hurts more than I could possibly express to see my mother right now. I almost don't recognize her, and it's hard to find the real person behind the medication and exhaustion. So I avoid it, because it sucks for me. I made life hell for her in my teens, and I still can't get over my ego to be there for her when she needs me like she never has.

I've really been craptastic as a daughter and granddaughter. But I guess there's still time. There's always time. Until there isn't. And that's a regret I could never carry. Tomorrow is Sunday. And I'll be in the ghetto. With two of the most amazing women I've ever known.

This detox is going to kill me.