Here is where I wax sentimental. So if you want nothing to do with any of it, I suggest you stop reading now and do something useful with your life.
This year was a roller coaster....full of small victories and excruciating pain. We lost Stuart....my mentor and one of the best men I've ever known. I still miss you, and I'm certain I always will. We lost others whom I hadn't spoken to in years, but who were integral parts in making me who I am today. You will not be forgotten.
I managed to fuck up a relationship that I could have instead made better. I've wondered if there was more I could have done, sacrificed, accepted, changed, or felt. But in the end, I gave up. I wish I had something better to say, other than I'm sorry. I hope that with time we can move past this, but more than that I hope you find what makes you happy. I wish I could have handled things differently. But you know, better than anyone, that I have to do things my way....which is usually the hardest way possible.
I found out that my mother is, quite literally, dying right in front of me and there's nothing I can do about it. I wish we'd been closer as I grew up, and that you'd told me what was going on six years ago when I could have been a better daughter. I know you're always trying to protect me, and I hope I can forgive you before it's too late. I'm trying.
My job took a spectacular nose dive into depths of stupid I didn't know existed until now. But now I find out how much I've really learned in my time there and what I'm really capable of once I know where I'm going.
But there was also some good. Here's to small victories for many, the facing and conquering of personal fears and demons, and the accomplishing of personal goals. Three long time friends welcomed new babies. Anniversaries were celebrated by many. I know it's early, but I'm so proud of you guys for following your hearts and having the strength and courage to see it through to this point.
But now, looking forward.....
This year has already, it seems, been ordained as a year of change. Here is where I find out what I really want, pinpoint my passion, and what I want to be when I grow up. I'm certain that my job, living situation, and outlook on love, friendship, and what really matters will never be the same. I will find out what I want to do with my life, and who I want to do it with. Maybe not this year, but I now know more than ever what I don't want, which is a far better starting point than I've ever had. All the experiences of the past twelve months have given me a solid sense of direction in the midst of chaos that I could never have had without them.
Thank you from the deepest parts of my soul to those of you were there for me through all the hard times this year. It's easy to hang out when things are good. But it's immeasurably more meaningful when you're there for the tears. I love you guys.
This New Years Eve was, I think, one of the best on record. Despite being surrounded by strangers, I was comfortable. It was, for me, something out of the hidden chapters of a story I wish I'd written. But if it's any indication of what's coming up, I can't help but be excited.
