A New Day

It's a new day in America. And more than that, it's a new world. The results of last night's election are likely more profound than we can imagine at this point in history. Sure, we understand the American people have elected the first African American President. This alone is significant on so many levels, but the poll results for senate seats, governorships, and propositions speak volumes about who the American people have become. Much of it is encouraging; some of it demonstrates just how much more we can grow as a nation. Bill Maher said this of the United States (paraphrased), "There are a lot of people in this country who are ready to move on, to evolve into a cosmopolitan, enlightened society as exist in Europe, and join the rest of the world. But there are a lot of redneck idiots who won't let that happen." Until last night, I feared this would hold true, at least for another four years.

America has finally grown up, at least a little. The message sent by voters couldn't have been clearer. No longer will campaigns based on irrelevant personal attacks sway our focus on what matters most to us (take that Elizabeth Dole). We will no longer allow self-serving bureaucrats to hold their power for our fear of change. George W. Bush won on that platform four years ago. Not again. Hope was chosen over fear. The potential of a better world in our lifetimes resonated as truly possible. The rhetoric and fear-mongering of traditional politics and old Washington will no longer be tolerated by a people eager to leave the demons of their fathers behind.

I'm too exhausted by the campaign to dive into topics that have been discussed and over-dissected by political commentators and pundits for months. It's nothing we haven't heard, and nothing about which I'm likely to have a new opinion. Barack Obama isn't a Muslim. Sarah Palin isn't qualified to lead a country. John McCain could give out at any moment. Joe Biden should learn to shut up. We get it. Let's move on. Thank god we did. I'm grateful that it appears many were able to look past personal attacks and appearances and vote on issues affecting their lives.

What I do have energy to discuss are those who have angered and frustrated me during the past few months. Fact: I live in the Bible Belt. Fact: my vote for Barack Obama did nothing to win him electoral votes in Texas. Fact: I am in the minority of opinion in this part of the country. Fact: none of that changed my decisions at the polls. I hope this is true for you as well, regardless of your party affiliation. The right to, and act of voting itself is more powerful and precious than so much of the minutiae that tends to get in its way. I will not attack your intelligence if you choose to vote Republican. I will not vandalize your property should it bear a McCain sticker or Palin sign. I will respectfully discuss issues ideas with the understanding that our difference of opinion does not make us enemies. All I ask is that you do the same.

I also hope that whatever decision you made yesterday (or earlier, props to early voters), that you made it intelligently. Do the research. Find out what is important to you, and vote accordingly. But do not believe everything you are spoon fed by the candidates, the media, your family, or your church. Think for yourself. And for the love of god, be grateful we live in a nation where that is possible. Don't demonize those that disagree. Read. Learn. Try to understand. If you want to vote based on the abortion issue, go ahead. But educate yourself on what that really means.

Here's a public service announcement. Pro-Choice does not equal Pro-Abortion. Let me repeat that for those of you who still refuse to listen. Pro-Choice does not equal Pro-Abortion. I do not, nor would I ever, advocate abortion as a form of birth control. However, I don't presume to hold the high moral authority to tell other human beings what they can and cannot do with their own bodies. I can have my opinion on what is right, and what is wrong. So can you. But neither of us can force the other to act according those opinions. That's a violation of human rights, women's rights, and a slap in the face to those who founded this country to escape that kind of legislated morality. Separation of church and state. Those men were religious, some devout. Yet they had the wisdom to understand that your personal faith may not always be the best basis for running a country.

Of course, for the most part I am speaking to the extremists to the right and the left. At some point you're arguing semantics over who is more evil, insane, pick your adjective. Domestic terrorists who bomb government buildings in the name of freedom are cut from the same cloth as radicals who blow up abortion clinics in the name of God. The extreme to either side is scary, and neither is really intelligent.

But I was speaking of hope. Voters Colorado and South Carolina opposed measures that would have enacted wide-sweeping bans ..ion. South Carolina. Who knew? Massachusetts decriminalized the possession of small amounts of marijuana. That's right. An ounce or less is now only a $100 civil fine. Nebraska no longer sees the need for Affirmative Action. Prostitution is still illegal in San Francisco, and Michigan has further protected stem cell research.

I also spoke of disappointments and examples that we still have a long way to go. California overturned their Supreme Court decision to allow same sex couples to marry. The good news is that the existing 18,000 marriages since June will remain valid. Arkansas took a shot at domestic partnerships of all sexual orientation by prohibiting non-married couples from adopting or fostering a child. Don't lose hope. To all of my GLBT friends, I love you, and setback is not a loss. Change is in the air, and one day, we will all be free to love.

On a lighter note, Barack Obama has offered Rahm Emmanuel the position of White House chief of staff. I'm sure this is going to make a lot of people nervous. But it will also serve as the first of many affirmations that a lot of people made the right choice. This guy is tough, and he has a proven ability to get things done. And, you know, this is shaping up to be one of the sexiest White Houses ever.

A final thought. Here's something Bobby Kennedy said forty years ago. I was amazed at how relevant it is today, and how we were again faced with the same choice: hope over fear.

"People are selfish. But they can also be compassionate and generous, and they care about the country. But not when they feel threatened. That's why this is such a crucial time. We can go in either direction. But if we don't make a choice soon, it will be too late to turn things around. I think people are willing to make the right choice. But they need leadership. They're hungry for leadership."

Repost from Raven

Some good information. Let's not forget, even during the busy election season, that there's a lot of stuff going on in this effed up world.

Sexual Abuse: Surviving the Pain
Barabara E. Bogorad, Psy.D., A.B.P.P.
Founder and Former Director, Sexual Abuse Recovery Program Unit
South Oaks Hospital, New York

Specialists in the addiction field (alcohol, drugs and eating disorders) estimate that up to 90 percent of their patients have a known history of some form of abuse. Recent studies (Calam, 1989²; Blume, 1989³) point out that substance abuse, including "food abuse," is a frequent aftermath of early sexual abuse. Current studies (Koopmans, 1990⁴) demonstrate that the vast majority of children and adolescents who attempt suicide have a history of sexual abuse as well. However, many individuals are resistant to seeking treatment for sexual abuse. This is especially true for males and adolescents. Men are often extremely reluctant to admit to any history of abuse and often fail to identify it as such. Many survivors are in denial of the effects of early abuse and may fail to see any connection with later tendencies toward ongoing abusive relationships, feelings of self-loathing, inability to trust, or problems with intimacy. Some patients denigrate themselves further, claiming that their abuse could not have been "as bad" as that of other victims. All abuse is bad.

Identifying Adults Abused As Children

The effects of early sexual abuse last well into adulthood, affecting relationships, work, family, and life in general. Individual symptomatology tends to fall into four areas: ⁷

1. Damaged goods: Low self-esteem, depression, self-destructiveness (suicide and self-mutilation), guilt, shame, self-blame, constant search for approval and nurturance.

2. Betrayal: Impaired ability to trust, blurred boundaries and role confusion, rage and grief, difficulty forming relationships.

3. Helplessness: Anxiety, fear, tendency towards re-victimization, panic attacks.

4. Isolation: Sense of being different, stigmatized, lack of supports, poor peer relations.

Adult incest survivors may demonstrate some of the following symptoms:

• Fear of the dark, fear of sleeping alone, nightmares, night terrors

• Difficulty with swallowing, gagging

• Poor body image, poor self-image in general

• Wearing excessive clothing

• Addictions, compulsive behaviors, obsessions

• Self-abuse, skin-carving (also addictive),

• Suicidality

• Phobias, panic attacks, anxiety disorders, startle response

• Difficulties with anger/rage

• Splitting/ de-personalization, shutdown under stress

• Issues with trust, intimacy, relationships

• Issues with boundaries, control, abandonment

• Pattern of re-victimization, not able to say "no"

• Blocking of memories, especially between age one and 12

• Feeling crazy, different, marked

• Denial, flashbacks

• Sexual issues and extremes

• Multiple personalities

• Signs of posttraumatic stress disorder

Certain issues appear repeatedly. For example, victims typically blame themselves for the abuse, even if they were two or three years old at the time of the event. Guilt and shame are expressed, along with intense feelings of rage⁸

If the rape or molestation was committed by an individual of the same sex (i.e., a man abusing a boy), questions regarding sexual orientation tend to arise in the patient ("I must be gay; after all, a man raped me!"). Female victims will frequently develop sexually promiscuous lifestyles in an effort to "conquer" the situation and bring it under their control. In other instances individuals will largely withdraw from any social or sexual interactions in order to avoid the feared stimuli, and turn toward extremely isolated lives.

The connection that is made for victims between sex and pain (love and humiliation, closeness and betrayal) is a particularly disastrous one. Frequently patients will express and/or demonstrate the belief that the only way to be loved or cared for is if they are also being abused ("I knew if I didn't let him keep beating me, I'd always be alone"). Often, in the extreme, physical and sexual abuse are even viewed as a normal part of everyday life. Healthy boundaries do not exist for these individuals, and therefore, healthy relationships are impossible. Victims will actually respond to feelings of loneliness or sadness by abusing themselves (e.g., self-mutilation) if the "significant other" is not available to do so.

One of the more difficult issues that arise is the recollection, by some individuals, of experiencing a certain amount of physical pleasure during a molestation or incest. This adds enormously to the sense of being at fault and "dirty." Thus, one of the aims of treatment is to educate survivors as to normal physiological responsiveness. The realization that their feelings are/were normal helps tremendously toward alleviating the sense of shame.

Even when individuals have spoken of their abuse prior to group treatment, any pleasurable aspects have typically been denied. The opportunity to relate to others who have shared these feelings, as well as the experience, is part of the healing power of this form of therapy. The sense of isolation, of being "different from the whole world," quickly begins to subside. It is only in revealing the secrets and dealing with the pain that survivors of sexual abuse can and do go on with their lives.

Love Lessons from SATC - Thanks Raven

15 Love Lessons From 'Sex and the City' by Valerie Reiss

I'm single, a native New Yorker, a writer, and a former sex columnist. To say I could relate to Carrie's NYC existence is an understatement--if you add hilarious dialogue, many guys, a dream apartment, and a wardrobe worth more than most journalists make in a lifetime.

Through my late 20s I was with the girls all the way, even though I often thought their romantic choices were misguided, obviously wrong, spiritually and psychologically clueless, superficial, selfish, and jaded. Pretty much like most of my own.

But in a city where love can be as elusive as affordable housing, SATC gave so many of us perspective, validation, and reminders of the core lessons of love--sometimes in spite of itself, sometimes in the scripts. With the ladies hitting the big screen this week, here's a bit of what I've learned, or remembered, about love thanks to Carrie & Co.

1. Single is Not a Dirty Word

The SATC gals transformed "single"--"spinster"'s more evolved cousin--from being a hole to a presence; they made singledom cool. Even when it hurt.

One of my favorite moments is when Carrie's silver Manolos get swiped from a smug-married's apartment and the friend refuses to reimburse her. She lectures Carrie about spending too much on shoes and not enough on family, playing right in to her singleton's shame.

This, after Carrie has bought engagement, wedding, shower, and baby gifts for her. In a genius move, Carrie registers herself at Manolo Blahnik just for those shoes, single "bride" that she is, forcing the friend to pay up. To me this said the single life is just as valid as the married. We deserve as many gifts and even blessings from our friends and society, regardless of what others might think of our struggles and choices.

2. It's Okay to Expose All to Your Girlfriends

Women talked about sex with their friends long before SATC. But the show gave us permission on a large scale to get graphic and detailed in cathartic and hilarious ways. It was like a six-season long Consciousness Raising group with better outfits.

This seems especially true when it comes to discussing self-pleasuring; it's now much more socially acceptable for women to admit they do it ("I'm getting carpal tunnel syndrome"), and even talk about the tools they use (Rabbit, anyone?). By treating it like any other normal, human function, a burden was lifted, even for those of us who were raised to be open about sex.

3. Fate is Not Always Fate

It's so tempting to interpret the tea leaves of love, to decide that fate is (finally) working in our favor. When Trey saved Charlotte from being mowed down by a speeding taxi, she decided it was fate. Not just that he was a nice guy who saved her life, but that he must be the guy to live out her "marry tale" with.

Turns out--not so much, and I think after that divorce, Char developed a very different notion of fate, i.e.-we don't know how the universe works and just because it seems like synchronicity, it doesn't mean you have to marry the dude. A lesson better remembered than re-experienced.

4. Sometimes to Be Real You Have to Get Ugly

When Charlotte first met her handsomely chiseled divorce lawyer, she kept to the prim, nice decorum that defined her. When she realized she needed to be fierce--and ugly--to battle her Bunny-in-law, she dropped him for sweaty, obnoxious, bald Harry Goldenblatt and then felt free to be as nasty as she wanted to be, fangs and all. Turns out he found her "incredibly sexy" anyway. And once she was able to shatter her preppy, WASPy notion of her ideal man, voila, there he was, right in front of her.

5. Be Vulnerable

More than anyone else on the show, Samantha and her mien of steel taught us that true strength is in opening and trust. She started to get this from her girl-flame Maria ("I've got monogomy, I think I caught it from you people") but mostly from her hot-hot boyfriend Smith Jarrod.

First, he forced on her his "perverse" desire to hold hands, and then, most touchingly, shaved off his golden locks when she lost hers to chemo. We all have an inner Samantha--the part that feigns bravado in the face of pain and trusts no one. Watching her set down her insecurity-as-sword reminded all us tough girls to do the same.

6. There's a Difference Between Childlike and Childish

In perhaps my favorite episode, a guy named Wade had a comic book store, a great record collection, and a scooter. Carrie was justifiably wooed when he drew a cartoon of her telling her to call him. And the girl needed some fun! Mr. Big? Sexy, complicated, but no bag of jacks.

With Wade, she played video games, took a spin on the scooter, got stoned on the balcony of his surprisingly vast Park Avenue apartment. Turned out the guy was living with his parents. And not only that, he lied to his mom that they were smoking Carrie's pot. Lesson? If he seems like a kid, investigate to make sure he's also an adult.

7. Know When to Kiss Goodbye

Miranda asked a date up to her apartment. He declined, claiming to have "an early meeting." Later, she asked Carrie's man of the hour for insight. Berger said, "He's just not that into you," and "When a guy's really into you, he's coming upstairs, meeting or no meeting."

Miranda is instantly liberated, giddy with the blame-free simplicity of it. Of course in real life, sadly, it's not always so simple. But through this and countless other moments, the show taught us that letting go is never easy--even when he's "not into you"--but that if you don't walk away when you know you should, only misery, over-analysis, and disappointment awaits.

8. Don't Mistake Scraps for Jewels

"It was the single most encouraging moment in our relationship." Was Carrie talking about Big sharing his heart with her? Giving her a thoughtful present? Nope. She said this when he gave her the "only" extra pink toothbrush head one night.

Sure, it was the only baby step toward accepting her into his life that he was capable of. But all of us need to love ourselves enough not to mistake glitter for diamonds, scraps for a meal--exactly what that toothbrush head was.

9. Read the Signs

When Carrie got engaged to Aidan, she promptly strung the gorgeous Harry Winston ring around her neck instead of putting it on her finger. Score one for costume designer Patricia Field for the fresh accessory, minus one very big one for the happy future of Carrie and Aidan. Both continued to ignore the signs of doom--like so many of us do--in exchange for hope.

It was a reminder to all of us not to ignore those persistent yet subtle doubts, accumulating red flags--and full-blown panic attacks--no matter how much we want something to work out.

10. Patience & Compromise

Sure, the show was often about taking, and Goddess knows the characters' self-absorption grated horribly sometimes. But as the ladies matured, we saw more and more examples of selfless compromise.

Miranda agreed to have her son Brady baptized even though it conflicted strongly with her beliefs; Charlotte converted to Judaism to be with Harry; and most hilariously, Harry put on underwear to sit on Charlotte's pristine white sofa. As for patience, the girls had a giant Birkin bag full of it for each other. And Carrie, in spite of herself had it big-time with Big.

11. Hold Out for Romance and Butterflies

This is a tricky one, right? Knowing when to hold out for what you want and when to embrace what you have. The SATC girls grappled with that again and again, knowingly, and not.

Romance (and belly full of excitedly batting wings) is fleeting--and yet it's really hard to sustain a happy union that never had it. After dancing with bitter Berger in the Hamptons one night, Carrie reflects with clarity: "Some people are settling down, some people are settling, and some people refuse to settle for anything less than butterflies."

12. Romance Isn't What You Think It Will Be

After the most romantic French meal ever--candlelight, fromage, the works, Charlotte and Harry are in bed, gazing at each other and then suddenly find themselves doubled over with food poisoning. They trade urgent, loud, smelly runs to the bathroom all night long.

"There's a moment in every relationship when romance gives way to reality," Carrie says of the two lovers and her own Big fart incident. "Surviving a night of food poisoning together wasn't the stuff of great romance, but it was the stuff of lasting love." And then we see Harry and Charlotte holding hands in a sweet, real, puddle on the bathroom floor.

13. Love Beyond Yourself

Though ever-cynical Miranda adored her baby, she was not instantly maternal, referring to him as "meatloaf" at one point. But she eventually warms to motherhood. And later on, she grows her heart an extra size when she cares for her mother-in-law with dementia, gently bathing her in one especially heart-breaking scene. The girls--and all of us--are at their best when they give and extend themselves to others.

14. Chicks Stick Together

The entire show is about the consistency of friendship (even when alleged off-screen spats seem to be visible on-screen). They fight, work it out, offer support, drive each other nuts, and always come back together--whether it's Carrie making sure there's no "cheerleading" during Miranda's birth, or Charlotte giving Carrie her old engagement ring.

Toward the very end of the series, when Carrie is in Paris, Big sits with the remaining women, polling them for advice. "You guys are the biggest loves in her life," he says. "A guy is just lucky if he comes in fourth." We can all do to remember to treat our friends like the primary love providers they can be, even when we're in deep, central union with a partner.

15. Always Come Home to Yourself

When Carrie is off with the Russian in Paris (wearing that amazing tulle dress that goes on forever), she loses her signature nameplate necklace. A heavy-handed metaphor? Maybe. A key lesson in all relationships? Yes.

It's so easy for women especially to lose their identity in romantic relationships--we tend to merge with our lovers, sometimes dropping our own "names" in the process. Ms. Bradshaw does find her necklace, and any good shrink (or scriptwriter) would say it's important to note that it was with her all along, fallen into the lining of a Dior purse.

The series ends with these words from Carrie, after she has gone back home to New York, to herself, her friends, and her Big love: "...the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous."

Beautiful Truth

The Invitation

It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for, and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing.


It doesn’t interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dream, for the adventure of being alive.


It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon. I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life’s betrayals or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain. I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it or fade it or fix it.


I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own, if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, to be realistic, to remember the limitations of being human.


It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another in order to be true to yourself; if you can hear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul; if you can be faithless and there for trustworthy.


I want to know if you can see beauty, even when it’s not pretty, every day, and if you can source your own life from its presence.


I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine, and still stand on the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, "YES!"

It doesn’t interest me to know where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up, after the night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be done to feed the children.


It doesn’t interest me who you know or how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back.


It doesn’t matter to me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you, from the inside, when all else falls away.


I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.


--Oriah Mountain Dreamer

Some Unlikely Wisdom

Something happens to many in my generation upon turning 25. Apparently, it's the new crisis age that demands self evaluation and bouts of irrationality. Today, however, in the midst of struggling through another day of nothing, I had what can only be best described as an epiphany of sorts. I remembered a conversation in which I said something to the effect of….I'm not sure when I'll ever feel like I'm grown and have it all sorted out. Hell, most days I still see myself as that seventeen year old kid, with more money and not living at home. So the question became….when do we grow up, when does "real life" start, when does all this work and all these plans mean anything?

I spend most days looking forward to the evenings. I spend most work days looking forward to the weekends. I spend most weeks as countdowns to the next big trip or event or pay day. I spend most months at markers between birthdays and holidays. If I can get through today, then tonight will be good. If I can make it through the week, Sunday will be great. Once winter is over, then I can enjoy the outdoors again.

And really, it's bigger than that for all of us, isn't it? When I find my dream job, then life will really start. Maybe if I get married, then life starts and I'll feel like an adult. Someday when I have a family then everything will be in place. Once I get out of school, then I can get around to my goals. Ask anyone who has children…..they want the family, then they want the babies to be older so they can interact more, then just let us get through their teens, and so on. One day you wake up and that baby is 21 and has something like a life of their own and you wonder where all the time went.

We spend most of our lives looking forward to the benchmark events that we think will finally bring about the happiness we've been searching for. But the reality is, I think, that happiness is laced throughout the journey through those events. I spent far too much of my teens thinking I'd finally be happier once I was out of the house and on my own. Now I look back and realize there are so many things I could have enjoyed more had I taken the time to find happiness in the experiences I was in the middle of. Not that I had a miserable adolescence. Far from it. I've been lucky in a lot of ways. But how much more robust could all of that been had I not been so pre-occupied with what comes next?

So, now the hard part. I know what I should be doing, but how to execute? And even more challenging, how do I find anything worth caring about from nine to five?

We shall see…

What is Real

Of course everyone is talking about basically one thing right now. It's sad, and it's a loss. But, thousands of people die every day, and many of these are preventable. I'm not here to re-hash rumors and gossip about the situation. But I would like to focus on a couple of things:

Every. Life. Matters.

Read that again.

Life is fragile. Death is real. Pain is real. Life is hard.

There are few things that ease that kind of pain. But I've found that, as much as I hate to admit it, I'm comforted by something I learned years ago in church. And that's love and the power it holds over our lives. People often re-live their most painful moments over and over again. They get stuck there. A heart breaks and can't be fixed with a couple of words or sentiments. Love isn't easy, nor is it cheap. It's one of the greatest things that can happen in this world, and it's priceless. Again, it isn't easy. It's always a fight. Either to hold on at all costs or the deeper pain of just letting it go. I still haven't fully learned which is best. But here's the truth: it's still worth it. The possibility that love is real and tangible is worth fighting for.

I don't know the details of today's "top story" and this isn't where I'd like to speculate. But I do know this….

We are still here, you and me. And the real question is what we do with that truth. What do we do with the life we still have and the air that's still in our lungs?

We are certainly strong. But we are also certainly fragile. Please be careful…with yourselves and with each other.

Control....Under Glass on a Silver Platter

How altruistic.

Lessons that I (and others) have tried to pound into my head for years……trust yourself, follow your instincts, guide your destiny, make wise choices, learn from your mistakes.

Always, always go out the window. Generally because I can't simply accomplish the easiest one. Learn. From. Your. Mistakes. I think that, somewhere, if I could just do that, the rest would come to me more easily.

Advice, when unsolicited and free, is generally worth exactly what you gave for it. The good stuff is what you get when you swallow your pride and ask for help….which I'm also not very good at doing, at all. That free advice, many times, is of little help and, more times, puts one is worse position than the freefall at which one started.

But…..it's easier than original thought and true self evaluation, isn't it? And it oh-so-conveniently relieves oneself of personal responsibility. My boss told me to do it, my friend thought this would be a good idea, it's the way my family has always done it, it worked last time. And with the removal of personal responsibility comes the removal of personal freedom and identity. Those choices belong to the others, not you. Oh, and it didn't work last time, did it?

Fast forward a bit and you're left doing a brief, yet horrifying survey of your existence and wondering how the hell you ended up here. What happened? There's a struggle to identify that one, defining moment where everything started to unravel. But that moment is nowhere to be found. Because it doesn't exist. Instead, there are smaller, seemingly insignificant moments that, when strung together, offer a sobering explanation. But wait, those moments were orchestrated by other people, weren't they? Then it's not your fault, but life dealt you this crappy hand that you've, ahem, "played to the best of your ability."

Bullshit.

Refer back to lack of responsibility and, in turn, freedom.

It then serves to reason that the truly successful, and happy, people in this world were able to do something different. Read that again. Happy. They found their direction and followed it, unapologetic-ally. They controlled what happened to their lives and how they responded to the few things they could not. The idea certainly has merit.

Recap and a Look Forward

Here is where I wax sentimental. So if you want nothing to do with any of it, I suggest you stop reading now and do something useful with your life.

This year was a roller coaster....full of small victories and excruciating pain. We lost Stuart....my mentor and one of the best men I've ever known. I still miss you, and I'm certain I always will. We lost others whom I hadn't spoken to in years, but who were integral parts in making me who I am today. You will not be forgotten.
I managed to fuck up a relationship that I could have instead made better. I've wondered if there was more I could have done, sacrificed, accepted, changed, or felt. But in the end, I gave up. I wish I had something better to say, other than I'm sorry. I hope that with time we can move past this, but more than that I hope you find what makes you happy. I wish I could have handled things differently. But you know, better than anyone, that I have to do things my way....which is usually the hardest way possible.
I found out that my mother is, quite literally, dying right in front of me and there's nothing I can do about it. I wish we'd been closer as I grew up, and that you'd told me what was going on six years ago when I could have been a better daughter. I know you're always trying to protect me, and I hope I can forgive you before it's too late. I'm trying.
My job took a spectacular nose dive into depths of stupid I didn't know existed until now. But now I find out how much I've really learned in my time there and what I'm really capable of once I know where I'm going.
But there was also some good. Here's to small victories for many, the facing and conquering of personal fears and demons, and the accomplishing of personal goals. Three long time friends welcomed new babies. Anniversaries were celebrated by many. I know it's early, but I'm so proud of you guys for following your hearts and having the strength and courage to see it through to this point.

But now, looking forward.....

This year has already, it seems, been ordained as a year of change. Here is where I find out what I really want, pinpoint my passion, and what I want to be when I grow up. I'm certain that my job, living situation, and outlook on love, friendship, and what really matters will never be the same. I will find out what I want to do with my life, and who I want to do it with. Maybe not this year, but I now know more than ever what I don't want, which is a far better starting point than I've ever had. All the experiences of the past twelve months have given me a solid sense of direction in the midst of chaos that I could never have had without them.

Thank you from the deepest parts of my soul to those of you were there for me through all the hard times this year. It's easy to hang out when things are good. But it's immeasurably more meaningful when you're there for the tears. I love you guys.

This New Years Eve was, I think, one of the best on record. Despite being surrounded by strangers, I was comfortable. It was, for me, something out of the hidden chapters of a story I wish I'd written. But if it's any indication of what's coming up, I can't help but be excited.