Icky

I have decided that I'm such a guy it's not even freakin funny. Wonderful. Maybe it's cos I've had to be the dominant force in every damn relationship I've had, maybe it's just how I'm wired. I don't know, it doesn't really matter why, it just matters that it is.

How do I know this. Check it. I think I'm a total commitmentphobe. Maybe it's cos anyone about whom I've even entertained the idea of marriage about has been totally unqualified (See: who I don't want to meet). Or maybe I really just can't commit to one person, or can't get close to one person. Who knows if it'll be like that forever, but that's how it is right now. Which leads me to this very guy-ish lifestyle. The second I think I might start actually falling for someone, or feeling something other than "I wanna jump your bones" then I bolt. It's kinda like that Meat Loaf song...."I want you, I need you, but there ain't no way I'm ever gonna love you." But hey, don't be sad boys, cos y'know, two out of three ain't bad.....

I guess somewhere in my subconscious I know that when the perfect person does indeed materialize then all that other crap will just melt away. In theory. Who knows. Maybe there was a time when I was just so completely sure that I knew exactly what it would like like, and nothing has since then. And that's damn annoying.

Seriously, this lesbian thing isn't looking too bad. If only I didn't like boys so freakin much. Maybe that's the problem. Too many boys. All boys, all still about 17 in thier heads, both of them. I know half of it is my fault, cos I like the boys that will never be good for me. Someday I'll learn they're called Bad Boys for a fucking reason. But god they're fun. Besides, and anyone who thinks I'm too much like a sister right now might wanna cover their ears, good boys aren't good lovers. Never found one. I'm hard to deal with, I need someone pretty hard core, or I'll walk all over you. So yeah...

And I've also become quite the snob. See again, who I don't want to meet. I've dated too many of the wrong people, and I'm tired to shit of it. Potheads, pillheads, cokeheads, losers, lazy boys, freeloaders, puppies. Oh dear god am I a puppy magnet. I'd like to find someone who doesn't swear undying love after two weeks, and oh god I can't live without you if you leave I'll just goddamned die. Fine, just don't get blood on my carpet.