For some reason tonite has turned into one of those nights that I hate. I sit here, start thinking, and then just totally lose it. I start reflecting on life, love, and the universe. By that I mean, me. I bust out the microscope and try to get totally honest with myself. Which scares the fuck out of me because half the time I hate what I see. So, here goes
I'm pretty sure I hate me. I have this great image in my head of who I am, but it turns out that it's really just who I think I want to be. And it probably couldn't be further from the truth. The truth is, I'm a total fucking mess. I'm spoiled, I know it. Totally self-centered and mean, really. I want to be this crazy independent hardcore woman, and I'm really just this little child who is so scared shitless of everything that it's almost cripplng.
I'm totally over-dramatic about the stupidest little things. I blow shit way the hell out of proportion, I'm a jealous freak. I'm totally unrealistic. I imagine this great, all-encompassing epic love story that will one day be my life but I know deep down it'll all end up like "Riding in Cars with Boys." Why? Because I make shit decisions out of some stupidly twisted need to belong to something, or someone, who knows.
I have the worst self-esteem in the world, but I over-compensate by being totally obnoxious. Really. In my head I'm wicked smart and will be successful beyond belief and have more money than god, but I'm sure I'll end up living paycheck to paycheck for the rest of my life. I'm sure I've got potential to be a total bombshell but I have no self-control so diets and shit don't work. Let me re-phrase, I can't stick with them. I can't really stick with anything that's good for me. I'll never quit smoking because I'm really weak and I need something outside of myself to provide some kind of happiness or release or something. I have an addictive personality and obsess over stupid things like a fourteen year old. I'm probably a compulsive liar. Allow me to explain. I'll be painfully honest with everyone but myself. I'll never take my own advice. Why? Cos I know exactly what to say to get the perfect response from someone or to motivate them or whatever. I should have never taken psychology. That, or I'm totally open with others so I don't have to focus on myself. I wallow in self-pity a lot when I know I should just suck it up and fix what's fucked up. (See: this entire entry).
Maybe someday I'll figure out the secret to happiness. Maybe I already know exactly what I need to do and need to stop doing, but right now I'm too immature to take the steps to fix shit. I'm totally selfish and do a lot of stuff just because I want to, or because I think I want to. It's probably because it feels good at the time and makes me laugh. I'm petty like that. I treat guys like shit, and then I'm surprised when they do so in return.
My closest friends probably don't know shit about me, really. Maybe one does, and that's cos she's probably the only person who's totally honest with herself and everyone else and I love her for that. I wouldn't be alive without her. She's my hero. I love her and hate her at the same time, probably because I'm jealous.
And I'm sure this is all a phase and it will pass and I'll be back to my normal delusional self in the morning. But it feels pretty cool to rip down all the fake crap and get down to the true dirt of who I am. I do it a lot. So why, I wonder am I still like this? Cos that's just who I am. Neat.
But I digress...
I'm pretty sure I hate me. I have this great image in my head of who I am, but it turns out that it's really just who I think I want to be. And it probably couldn't be further from the truth. The truth is, I'm a total fucking mess. I'm spoiled, I know it. Totally self-centered and mean, really. I want to be this crazy independent hardcore woman, and I'm really just this little child who is so scared shitless of everything that it's almost cripplng.
I'm totally over-dramatic about the stupidest little things. I blow shit way the hell out of proportion, I'm a jealous freak. I'm totally unrealistic. I imagine this great, all-encompassing epic love story that will one day be my life but I know deep down it'll all end up like "Riding in Cars with Boys." Why? Because I make shit decisions out of some stupidly twisted need to belong to something, or someone, who knows.
I have the worst self-esteem in the world, but I over-compensate by being totally obnoxious. Really. In my head I'm wicked smart and will be successful beyond belief and have more money than god, but I'm sure I'll end up living paycheck to paycheck for the rest of my life. I'm sure I've got potential to be a total bombshell but I have no self-control so diets and shit don't work. Let me re-phrase, I can't stick with them. I can't really stick with anything that's good for me. I'll never quit smoking because I'm really weak and I need something outside of myself to provide some kind of happiness or release or something. I have an addictive personality and obsess over stupid things like a fourteen year old. I'm probably a compulsive liar. Allow me to explain. I'll be painfully honest with everyone but myself. I'll never take my own advice. Why? Cos I know exactly what to say to get the perfect response from someone or to motivate them or whatever. I should have never taken psychology. That, or I'm totally open with others so I don't have to focus on myself. I wallow in self-pity a lot when I know I should just suck it up and fix what's fucked up. (See: this entire entry).
Maybe someday I'll figure out the secret to happiness. Maybe I already know exactly what I need to do and need to stop doing, but right now I'm too immature to take the steps to fix shit. I'm totally selfish and do a lot of stuff just because I want to, or because I think I want to. It's probably because it feels good at the time and makes me laugh. I'm petty like that. I treat guys like shit, and then I'm surprised when they do so in return.
My closest friends probably don't know shit about me, really. Maybe one does, and that's cos she's probably the only person who's totally honest with herself and everyone else and I love her for that. I wouldn't be alive without her. She's my hero. I love her and hate her at the same time, probably because I'm jealous.
And I'm sure this is all a phase and it will pass and I'll be back to my normal delusional self in the morning. But it feels pretty cool to rip down all the fake crap and get down to the true dirt of who I am. I do it a lot. So why, I wonder am I still like this? Cos that's just who I am. Neat.
But I digress...
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