Neutrality

A change in the weather, especially to Fall, has always done something strange to me. I love this time of year, truly. After the misery that can be August in Texas, even the hint of cooler weather is invigorating. It makes almost anything seem possible and reignites this desire to conquer the world. The idealism of that 17-year old who was finally free to do anything for the first time comes surging back to the surface. I feel like I should be embarking on this great adventure, or falling in love, or finally becoming what I’ve always thought I wanted to be. It’s amazing, and sobering. Because the reality is, I’m not 17. I’m already past 27, aren’t I? And what happened to those ideals, those goals, that fearless kid? I’m guessing she’s still around here somewhere.

What really happens is a time of re-evaluation, reflection….refraction. I know this pattern. It usually ends with a flipping upside down of everything in the name of sorting it out and the eventual cleanup. But this time…this time I can’t even begin to deal with the idea of that clean up. It’s too much. It’s amazing how big a mess you can make when you put your mind to it. Or maybe that’s what happens when you don’t put your mind to anything. Is the normal life simply that of one who has blindly followed the established formula? Add X, stir, simmer. Careful not to mix in Y, because then the whole thing becomes unstable. Chemistry is a cautionary tale. Too acidic, find something to neutralize the catalyst.

Maybe that’s the difference. The impulsive reaction is to be anything but neutral and boring. Be loved, be hated. Be anything but normal. Anything is better than being fucking neutral. Pull back for a minute. Survey. Stable job, long term relationship, roots put down, so much to lose. It seems like the perfect start to a perfect life. But perfection isn’t ideal. Perfection isn’t necessarily beautiful. It’s cold, sterile, formulaic. It only works if that was your goal. Maybe it’s really the perfect time to mix it all up again before it has a chance to settle or solidify.

So now what? Neither option is really ideal, but doing nothing changes nothing. A brief survey finds that I should be fucking grateful. And I am. Don’t let my introspection fool you into thinking that I don’t fully appreciate what’s right in front of me. Maybe that punk kid will always be in the back of my head, always fighting to usurp any form of establishment. She will always argue that growing up means I’ve given up. But maybe, just maybe, the secret is embracing her spirit, and not her methods.

“We can do a hell of a lot more damage in the system than outside of it.”

Because it has Always Entertained Me...

This little guy has never actually gotten me a boyfriend, nor am I technically in the market. But the absurdity and awesomeness of it all continues to amuse me. I'm a god damn genius.

Application to be my Boyfriend.

1. Do you have a high school education? If so, have you pursued any higher education?
2. Do you still live at home with your parents? If so, please explain why.
3. Is pot the most you ever experimented with as far as drugs go? Also, please give me your definition of what qualifies as a “drug.” Give examples if necessary.
4. Do you still realistically think that you’ll be a rock star someday?
5. Do you like dogs? Do you like cats?
6. Have you/would you watch either the entire Star Wars or Lord of the Rings trilogy in one sitting?
7. Could you name 5 Ozzy Osbourne songs before the Osbournes had a show on MTV? If so, did you stop wanting to after the show debuted?
8. Do you go to church? Is it on Swiss and Good Latimer?
9. Do you like hockey? If so, what’s your favorite team?
10. It’s Super Bowl Sunday. You are:
a. Throwing the best party ever! Beer, grilled meat, lots of people!
b. Attending a friend’s best party ever, because that’s where everyone is.
c. At home, watching the game with a few friends and some chips.
d. Doing anything but watching football.
11. How many girls have you slept with?
12. How many guys have you slept with?
13. Do you have an obsessive love for any one band? If so, please elaborate.
14. Do you hate country music?
15. Do you oppose racism but accept it as a viable source of humor?
16. Do you say “fuck” in front of your mom?
17. Can you cook? This means in a kitchen with real ingredients, not just on a grill.
18. You’re in love. She lives well over 500 miles away. The solution:
a. Pack up and move your ass. You care about her, not location.
b. Negotiate about who is moving.
c. She’s moving to you. If she cares enough, she will.
d. I don’t do long distance.
19. If you're going to the movies, do you get there in enough time to see the trailers?
20. Do you like Chinese food?
21. Do you have tattoos and/or piercings?
22. Your wife makes more money than you do:
a. This is a huge problem
b. Thank god, that means I don’t have to
c. Good for her, she deserves it.
d. She's probably sleeping with her boss.
23. Have you ever been arrested? If so, have you been convicted? Was it a felony? Did you go to jail?
24. Is beer an acceptable beverage for every occasion?
25. Essay: Explain, in 500 words or less, why Aerosmith and the Rolling Stones are or are not the exact same band.

And Now for Something Completely Different

I have neglected you all. I'm sorry. I'm also aware that there are more people who don't read my blogs than there are people who do. I'm fine with this. I probably over share, anyway.

After talking to a recently upgraded friend, I realized that it had been too long. I love to write, or at least I used to. So it's time to do that a little more. In transferring my older stuff to a brand new, shiny, for-blogs-only site, I realized how much I sounded like a child in my earlier writings. Too informal, way too much profanity to be taken seriously, but some real gems in there as well.

So here's the deal. I will write more. I will write like a real grown-up. And I'll write about things that more people might just give a damn about.

Now, my overall, it's-been-a-year-since-I've-talked-to-my-invisible-friend update:
We lost my grandmother last June. I can't believe it's already been a year, or how much I miss her.
I bought a house! We've been here for almost a year now, and despite some frustrations, it may be the best decision I've ever made.
I've had several amazing revelations about friendship, love, family, and the truth in all of these.
I am back in Grad School, but am taking the summer off.

There is immeasurable detail to go along with each of those points. But writing all down would be exhausting and self indulgent. Those that have been along for the ride know the good stuff anyway.

So I've decided to write more...as school allows, and will link at least this post to Facebook so that those of you who want to keep up, can do so.

Enjoy.