Control....Under Glass on a Silver Platter

How altruistic.

Lessons that I (and others) have tried to pound into my head for years……trust yourself, follow your instincts, guide your destiny, make wise choices, learn from your mistakes.

Always, always go out the window. Generally because I can't simply accomplish the easiest one. Learn. From. Your. Mistakes. I think that, somewhere, if I could just do that, the rest would come to me more easily.

Advice, when unsolicited and free, is generally worth exactly what you gave for it. The good stuff is what you get when you swallow your pride and ask for help….which I'm also not very good at doing, at all. That free advice, many times, is of little help and, more times, puts one is worse position than the freefall at which one started.

But…..it's easier than original thought and true self evaluation, isn't it? And it oh-so-conveniently relieves oneself of personal responsibility. My boss told me to do it, my friend thought this would be a good idea, it's the way my family has always done it, it worked last time. And with the removal of personal responsibility comes the removal of personal freedom and identity. Those choices belong to the others, not you. Oh, and it didn't work last time, did it?

Fast forward a bit and you're left doing a brief, yet horrifying survey of your existence and wondering how the hell you ended up here. What happened? There's a struggle to identify that one, defining moment where everything started to unravel. But that moment is nowhere to be found. Because it doesn't exist. Instead, there are smaller, seemingly insignificant moments that, when strung together, offer a sobering explanation. But wait, those moments were orchestrated by other people, weren't they? Then it's not your fault, but life dealt you this crappy hand that you've, ahem, "played to the best of your ability."

Bullshit.

Refer back to lack of responsibility and, in turn, freedom.

It then serves to reason that the truly successful, and happy, people in this world were able to do something different. Read that again. Happy. They found their direction and followed it, unapologetic-ally. They controlled what happened to their lives and how they responded to the few things they could not. The idea certainly has merit.

Recap and a Look Forward

Here is where I wax sentimental. So if you want nothing to do with any of it, I suggest you stop reading now and do something useful with your life.

This year was a roller coaster....full of small victories and excruciating pain. We lost Stuart....my mentor and one of the best men I've ever known. I still miss you, and I'm certain I always will. We lost others whom I hadn't spoken to in years, but who were integral parts in making me who I am today. You will not be forgotten.
I managed to fuck up a relationship that I could have instead made better. I've wondered if there was more I could have done, sacrificed, accepted, changed, or felt. But in the end, I gave up. I wish I had something better to say, other than I'm sorry. I hope that with time we can move past this, but more than that I hope you find what makes you happy. I wish I could have handled things differently. But you know, better than anyone, that I have to do things my way....which is usually the hardest way possible.
I found out that my mother is, quite literally, dying right in front of me and there's nothing I can do about it. I wish we'd been closer as I grew up, and that you'd told me what was going on six years ago when I could have been a better daughter. I know you're always trying to protect me, and I hope I can forgive you before it's too late. I'm trying.
My job took a spectacular nose dive into depths of stupid I didn't know existed until now. But now I find out how much I've really learned in my time there and what I'm really capable of once I know where I'm going.
But there was also some good. Here's to small victories for many, the facing and conquering of personal fears and demons, and the accomplishing of personal goals. Three long time friends welcomed new babies. Anniversaries were celebrated by many. I know it's early, but I'm so proud of you guys for following your hearts and having the strength and courage to see it through to this point.

But now, looking forward.....

This year has already, it seems, been ordained as a year of change. Here is where I find out what I really want, pinpoint my passion, and what I want to be when I grow up. I'm certain that my job, living situation, and outlook on love, friendship, and what really matters will never be the same. I will find out what I want to do with my life, and who I want to do it with. Maybe not this year, but I now know more than ever what I don't want, which is a far better starting point than I've ever had. All the experiences of the past twelve months have given me a solid sense of direction in the midst of chaos that I could never have had without them.

Thank you from the deepest parts of my soul to those of you were there for me through all the hard times this year. It's easy to hang out when things are good. But it's immeasurably more meaningful when you're there for the tears. I love you guys.

This New Years Eve was, I think, one of the best on record. Despite being surrounded by strangers, I was comfortable. It was, for me, something out of the hidden chapters of a story I wish I'd written. But if it's any indication of what's coming up, I can't help but be excited.