Welcome to The Family

Except not really. I'm not actually telling you how I make this.

Mother's day is coming up, and gods love her, all my mom ever wants to do for days dedicated to her is come over and watch me cook lasagna. Oh, and then eat it. Obvs.

So, in honor of the upcoming day in the kitchen, I give you....holy shit....pictures from when I made it last Mother's Day. These photos were taken for the express reason of creating this post. I'm so bad at this....

Anyway....

The basis of this, and any respectable Italian dish is olive oil and garlic. You can discuss the best method of garlic delivery. Some smash, some grate, some chop, some roast then smash....do what you feel. But do it a lot. I personally have doubled the "recipe" measure of garlic in this and most everything else I make.

Then, you make The Sauce. This is the awesome all day sauce that is great for any number of redsauce dishes. Once you finish this step, which, you know, takes 6hrs, you can make spaghetti, tortellini, ziti, etc etc etc. But the magic of all the things is found here. I firmly believe the quality of the dish begins and ends with 1. the best ingredients you can afford and 2. your sauce.

Oh, and you guys, so much cheese. It's hiding everywhere. We have....romano, parm, ricotta, and mozzarella.

Which, you know, you should shred by hand. That ensures you slice off a piece of your finger so a little of you is in every dish.

 Meatballs. For reasons.

So you've made your sauce, and mixed your cheeses, and made your meatballs, and it's all shiny and ready for the magic. Pile that shit together. Let your dog eat whatever falls to the floor.

Oven. Magic.

Eat. Try not to eat it all. Also try not to be drunk by the time you get to this step. Because nothing says "crack open a bottle of Sangiovese" like making lasagna.

Checking In

So, true to form, I didn't start lifting again after my oh so sincere resolution. I did, however, start watching what I put in my face (ugh, mostly, there was an ice cream accident) and dropped 3lbs. So, yay?

Started (re-started? continued?) lifting today, which inspires me for this post. I can't tell yet how sore I'll be - which probably means it won't be that bad. Last time I was kind of hurting 30mins after.

So here are my numbers - I know they're not impressive and they include a 20% de-load due to the, ahem, couple month break we took. The overhead press is the bane of my existence and I had failed, de-loaded, and reduced weight increase before we started. But today I lifted about 10lbs more than my first time when I thought my arms would fall off. I'm a derby girl. Upper body strength isn't something we naturally do.

Squat - 95lbs
Bench - 60lbs
Barbell Row - 60lbs
Overhead Press - 52.5lbs
Deadlift - 130lbs (raaaaaaaaaawr)

Today will be a double post. One for fitness and health, and one for one of my favorite fat kid things. You gotta have balance...

Getting my Shit Together

I can count at least a dozen times every year where I swear I'm going to start eating better, being more active, the usual lose weight meow meow whatever. In the past year I managed to get to the smallest I've been in many years. Seen here.

Oh hey you guys. I got married! To my first love. And it's goddamn perfect.

Perfect.

I also retired from roller derby (DK4L), and made a lot of crazy changes. Lots of upheaval, but all totally worth it. Totally. You guys. Totally.

So there's a bit of a disconnect in making this a kind of food blog and a healthier life blog. But you know, it's my little corner of the world and it can be about whatever I want. Sometimes food, sometimes struggles, a little success, and whatever feels important at the moment.

Upcoming topics will include:
A visual guide to The Family Recipe (without giving you the recipe).
Weight training (I can throw heavy things around!)
Updates on home projects (let's talk about our awesome garden)
The expanding family (er, menagerie)

And more!

For now - I've decided that if I put this out to The Universe, it will become real and you guys (seriously please) will hold me somewhat accountable and not let me open that 2nd (4th) bottle of wine, eat my body weight in tortilla chips, or make a meal out of a pint of ice cream. For those of you who are my buddies on MyFitnessPal, you'll be able to see what I eat. To my FitBit buddies, I'm definitely trying to walk around more, but fuck having a desk job you guys.

So here are the things that always ruin me.
1. Emotional Eating
2. Ice Cream
3. Pizza
4. Cheese
5. Alcohol

There's more, but you know....fixing most of those will fix a lot. I took "before" pictures for the first time ever today, and I kind of wanted to cry. A lot. I was bigger this time last year, but that's little consolation to how I feel right now. We started lifting in February, and I was getting strong, and (allegedly) great things were happening in the overall re-shape of my body. Then there was a Friday where we said "fuck it" and went to a bar instead. Fast forward three (or four?) weeks and I hadn't set foot back into the weight room. I resolved, no seriously, I need to get back at it. Lifted once, was so sore that I allowed myself to not lift two days later...and that was two weeks ago. So you see - maybe reason #1 up there should be my laziness.

So, tonight I made tilapia with a pretty rad dill sauce. And it was awesome. And under like, 400 calories for the big ass plate of food. This is doable, I just have to reprogram my brain. You know, right after I finish this beer.

Shit.

Oh, New Year

I may or may not do this every year, the obligatory look back and resolution-y look forward. I can't really remember. But clearly, I'm doing it this year because in my head, if it's out to the universe of the interwebs, it's more real. Or something.

First, a recap of accomplished (and failed, miserably failed) goals for 2012. I can say that the 2013 list will consist of re-trys on the misses on 2012. I'm not sure what else. Clearly I made this list when I thought I was rich.

Food and Fitness

One soda per week or less - Totally nailed it.

Workout 3x per week (2x derby, 1x yoga/strength) - Uh...derby yes, other stuff, not really.

Quit smoking - I put this down every year. But this time IT TOTALLY WORKED. No smoking since August.

Most liquid intake - WATER - eh...mostly

Ride bicycle more to/from work - Not even damn close. It's not that I'm just lazy, I just have a major issue with waking up on time to drive to work. I'll think about trying harder next year.

Goals and Projects

Scan and organize photos - Didn't even think about it after I wrote it down. True story

Complete a sewing project - Bought materials, didn't make the things.

Write in blog at least monthly - HAHAHAHAHA

Career and Finance

Pay off all revolving debt - OK so I almost did this. I got really close

Do not incur new revolving debt - Fail. Immense. Damn. Fail.

Pay off car by 12/31 - Soclose. Soveryclose.

Establish career path (either at HD or research other companies once MBA completed) - Eh. See my previous post about what I'm going to do or not do with my life.

Travel

Seattle – Summer Trip - This was one of the best trips ever.

At least two weekend trips - We spent a lot of time and money on Seattle, so our singular weekend trip will be to Austin. Tomorrow. Apparently.

Personal Improvement

Look into (or start!) Spanish lessons - Ooops

Use Library rather than buying books - I didn't get to the Library much. But I did get a new Nook and Scott loaded more books onto it than I could read in a year. So I will call this a success.

Read 2 books per month – goal 24 total - Assuming I finish this goddamn Martin book in the next two days, this will  be a success.

House Project Goals

New Sink - Womp Womp. Money is a bitch, OK?

New Sliding Door - See above

Maintain back yard cleanup weekly - I got this handled about halfway through the year. Then just, you know, stopped. 

So I guess I ran about a 50% success rate. Which is actually a huge improvement from years past. And if you look at the ones that I DID accomplish, they're pretty significant and awesome. So stop judging me, alright? Jerks.

So, Back to the Food

UPDATE
Since I didn't feel like writing a complete new entry, I've decided to add pics to this one. You're welcome, and I'm sorry.

Because it's Christmas Eve. And remember when I was going to write more about adventures in the kitchen?
Since I have yet to begin this year's adventure, I have no pictures to post (maybe I'll remember to take some during prep and regale you with food porn later in the week). But what I do have is a menu plan and some fun (ehh...) stories behind the dishes and why we have to have them every year.
Let's go.

Turkey - Because we do it every year. My family has always been one to eat the exact same meal at Christmas and Thanksgiving, so we always had turkey. Sometimes we'd get a small ham or just a ham steak for my grandfather. Sometimes my aunt would make a roast (I'll admit, I miss that. I'm not actually a huge fan of turkey). Apparently she cooks it all day and includes Dr. Pepper or Coke in the (or AS) the glaze, and it's amazing. Note to self - I've never actually made a roast. I should remedy this, because it's one of my favorite things. That's the thing about my favorite dishes - I tend to not make them myself, for fear of completely screwing them up. Anyway, I did a brined and roasted turkey the first year in the house, and we've fried one ever since. It's life-changing. This year, my uncle will be bringing a smoked turkey, which intrigues, excites, and scares me, all at the same time.

Ham - I know what I just said. But it's my house and I do what I want. I got the smallest one they still had at the store yesterday, and I'm making that shit. Because when it comes to meaty leftovers, ham beats turkey every time.

Fuck. Looks like you're getting sideways pics this time. I don't even pretend to have the energy to fix them. This is the ham and turkey in the oven. You lean that shit to fit it all in.

Mashed Potatoes - This is just a standard, right? This was always exclusively my mom's contribution, until she got sick, then it passed to me. I still don't make them as good as I feel she did (see above). Every time I make them, I change something, and am still in search of the perfect method and ingredient list. Half and Half? Milk? Heavy Cream? Potato ricer? Immersion blender (no, they get all gluey)? Hand masher? Food mill? Jury's still out. I'll report back.

Two pots of potatoes. And ham glaze and green beans. Doin' it...

Cornbread motherfucking dressing - This is my grandparents' recipe. I spent my entire childhood believing it was my grandmother's, but was informed not too many years ago that Daddy always made it before I was old enough to remember. Before my grandmother got too sick, I sat down with her to go over all the things she'd taught me to make. This was one of those things. Inevitably I'd have to call her for clarification or measurements, so I decided I needed to write it down before I couldn't call her anymore. It was a strange day. And I was really sad the entire time. But I remember trying to make her laugh with stories of when we had collectively ruined the dishes, so she didn't see that I was trying not to cry. And so that it was a good time for her, rather than something sad. It's still one of my favorite memories.

Green Beans - They have to be Italian cut and they have to come from a can. I don't give a shit if it's possibly the worst way to serve these things; it's a definable taste memory that I refuse to let go.

Deviled Eggs - I absolutely hated these things until I was in my early 20's. But I went to a dinner party with  my best friend, and the host's wife made some that were so incredibly good. Ever since, I've liked them. Even though none have been as good as the ones from that party. Strange how a good experience can create tolerance and affection for something you'd previously hated. Interesting, I never would have imagined deviled eggs as a metaphor for life. Well done, brain. Well done.

Pie - Specifically, chocolate meringue. I include this because I enjoy the memories attached to it. I'm not making pie. I haven't in years. I'm not entirely sure I remember how. I think I wrote it down. This was one of those things that my grandmother held on to making until she was completely unable to do so without help or at all. That's because it involves standing at the stove and stirring the custard forever until it's perfect. And when I say perfect, I'll just say that she was a little crazy about things being just right. My grandmother only really made this because of how much my mom loved it. We didn't have one every year, but when we did, mom was so happy. Once I was taught how to do it, my mom would request a chocolate pie for very, very special occasions. I'm sure a request for one is coming up for her birthday this year. Anyway. Grandma taught me how to make it, how to tell if it was going well or getting jacked mid-process. She also passed down her recipe for meringue, which is super creamy and insultingly sweet. She'd yell at me for eating raw out of the bowl, which I personally feel is just ridiculous.

That's essentially the core of the menu, and the things we have all the time. The dessert list fluctuates based on family requests. In the last few years we've added my roasted root vegetables (seriously, I say life-changing a lot, but anything that gets boys to eat Brussels Sprouts fits the description) and a homemade cranberry sauce recipe that might be the best thing I got out of that relationship. Wow. That was bitchy. Disregard.

I realize this isn't really interesting, and now you're hungry (I am now, literally, starving). You're welcome.
Coming up later this week: pics of the goodness, and my "pre new years inspirational un-fuck your life to be a better person" post.

Because Sometimes, You Just Can't

I wrote some shit. It was pretty deep. This isn’t it, obviously. There are things I would, in part, love to share. But I can’t. It’s really too much. I would love to completely open up and lay it all out like “BLAM. Deal with that shit, kids.” But I’m not wired to throw every detail of my personal musings out to the Universe. I’ve read back through some of this writing, and I’ve shared quite a lot. Anyone who has followed it knows a bit about my confidence, my fear, my weird. But, some things are better left to rattle around inside my own head, or belong to those who love me unconditionally. So I’ve decided that’s what I’ll actually write about. Self awareness. And knowing who you are. And knowing what’s wrong with you. And the magical few who don’t care how broken and fucked up you are because they're...well, magical. Or they knew you before anything got twisted. Or the world threw you into each other’s lives because you knew you would understand everything just as it should be.

What I’m saying is that, over the past several years I’ve done a lot of judging. I mean, a lot. Mostly of other people (because, damn guys, get your shit together, really), but a lot of myself as well. And I think I’ve finally come to a place of…I guess, resigned comfort. I understand myself and what I do and the choices I make far better than I did even five years ago. If one were to ask my mother (please don’t) she would say that I’ve always known exactly who I am. Maybe that’s partially true. I understood that my choices and actions and words were mine. And that they, in total, defined a big part of me. But I always struggled against them. I chose to act and speak in a way that fit into what I thought I wanted. 

This isn’t earth-shattering. Everyone does it. It’s part of growing up and discovering who you are. It’s where clichés come from as well. “I wouldn’t change anything because it’s all made me who I am! Butterflies! Girlpower! Inspirational quote here!” Bull.Shit. There are tons of things I would change. There’s a massive list of shit I would never have done or said, had I only known how it would impact my life.  What I guess has changed is that I’ve learned to deal with it. I come from a far less apologetic place these days. I understand what’s great about me. I also understand what is really and truly fucked the shit up. And I guess that’s the difference. Understanding, rather than just knowing.

Which brings me to my deep, amazing love for the people around me. The ones who understood me long before I did. My confidants. My partners in crime. My drinking buddies. My hangover cohorts. My voices of reason. My sounding boards. My brothers and sisters. You guys are my center, my sanity, my family. 

So, Here's the Thing...

I'm sitting here, "watching" TV and "working" on some school stuff because I've got some stuff "due" this week. All I can think of, seriously, all I can think about is how much I don't want to do this. I took a semester off (which included a bonus summer) to breathe and get away from it. Now, I'm....seriously, not even three weeks into the new semester and I just want to run.
General update that will give some perspective: I recently decided not to pursue a promotion at my current job. It's the job that, in my head, I've wanted for years. But, in the spirit of finding out what I want to do with my life, I decided that it wouldn't be of benefit to pursue that job. It would only further entrench me in the company, and lead further down the "more promotions, more money" path that has kept me in the corporate environment for years. No, I don't know what I want to do with my life. But I do know what I don't want to do.
So, I'm sitting here thinking....do I even bother with finishing this degree, when it makes me miserable to just feebly go through the motions? Or am I just reveling in the bliss of letting go of this other thing, and wanting to just kind of (and by kind of, I mean completely) let go of things that don't make me happy? Is this a lack of discipline or a concerted decision to no longer pursue a degree that I (may) never really use on the path toward what I love? And is this a decision best left for when I have that all figured out? You know, just in case...
Shit.