Sadness

OK, so here's the update. I've been meaning to post something for awhile now, but I'm lazy.

Life, in general, remains unchanged. The boy is fine, work still blows. The family is doing well, and overall, things are good. I suppose my title here was a bit misleading. Oops.

So, last week was probably the most traumatic week I've been through in awhile. Actually, the past two weeks. So, I get deathly sick. I'm off work for a couple days, at home in bed. I love the home in bed part. I do not love the part where time not spent in bed is spent doing the technicolor yawn. For days. Days. But I eventually got better, never figured out what happened, but ah well.

Then, last week, my baby boy almost dies. First you need to understand the phenomenon that is Scooter. He's a little ball of crazy energy. Always running around like an idoit, will eat anything you put in front of him. Crazy. But sweet. So one day, he stops eating, starts shaking, stops moving, and becomes a lump on the couch. We do blood work, we do lots of special drugs, and not a lot helps. We even had to talk about having to put the little guy down. So we did some "last ditch" drug cocktail, and it seems to be working a bit. We still don't know what's wrong with him, since I don't have a half billion dollars to run a million tests and stuff. But he's doing somewhat better, has started eating again, and will hopefully start gaining weight.

So yeah, I'm exhausted. And at work, which makes me so much more tired. I just want to sleep for a couple days, and I don't think that's too much to ask.

Happiness Is

Hockey pre-season game one today. Just hours away.

And now I have cable, and can watch all Stars games this season. It's orgasmic almost.

Have now moved the boy into the apartment. Apparently the place is smaller than I had previously realized. At least it is when you get two people's crap in it. But that's ok. If we can make this work for a half year or something then we should have no problem in a bigger place with two bedrooms.

So, yeah....that's about all I've got.

Work still sucks.

OK - Amended

So, let me start with a disclaimer. I don't have TV right now so all my news is coming from the internet radio station I listen to at work. I also check CNN and MSN and all that. Now to my point.

So I'm pretty sure we've established that I never really liked the president. But this week has sent me into a dimension of pissed off that I can't remember experiencing at another point in my life. I'm disgusted.

There is no reason this many people should have died. NO REASON. This wasn't a surprise attack. We knew this was coming. We knew days before that a hurricane was going to hit the Gulf Coast. So what do you do if you're the Governor of Louisiana? You send a letter to the president four days before it hits, requesting $5million to evacuate. Why? Because you know that 25% of your population lives below the poverty line and can't afford to get out on their own. So, if you're the president, how do you respond? You say no. Then go play golf.

So, let's issue a mandatory evacuation of the city, after everyone who can afford to do so on their own has already done so. But first, let's shut down Greyhound, the airport, and the trains. It's not like they can afford a ticket anyway.

So the storm hits, devastates, etc, just like a good hurricane would do. "Oh no, this is horrible. But don't worry, we'll pull through." But wait, you've slashed the budget for levee repair, maintenance, and upgrade by 80o pay for your daddy's war. Whoops. So they break, flood the city. Shocking.

So now 80 f NOLA is under water. People are sitting on their rooftops and crammed into a football stadium and convention center. No water, no food, no electricity. Then what? If you're the president, you wait a day, then fly over, and go back to your ranch. Then you go to Arizona to plug your new Rx drug plan, and play more golf. Then go to California and schmooze more buddies. Then back to DC after a well-deserved vacation.

In the meantime, what about FEMA? They deny anyone is at the Superdome until Thursday. THURSDAY. I knew the place was crammed on Tuesday evening, because the news media was all over it. So you have independent contractors and laborers volunteering to go down and help rescue. But wait, put them in a staging area and say, "We're gonna wait awhile on this."

So to recap. People are dying, bodies in the streets, rats eating the bodies, those still alive crammed worse than cattle in conditions I wouldn't wish on Osama Bin Laden. Then, four days later, you head down there for your goddamned photo-op. THEN you send in the relief. OH thank God, it's a miracle! Salvation is here.

Fuck. You.

He sat there, waiting for the perfect moment, to get his photo opportunity and let people die. "Oh well we didn't have the resources...." Bullshit. We evacuated lower Manhattan in a matter of HOURS on 9-11. Oh, wait. Those people weren't poor. Or black. Those people matter. This didn't happen in Florida last year. If there were 20,000 blonde white girls in the SuperDome, then this would be a non-issue.

This isn't Somalia. This is the fucking United States. These people aren't refugees, they're Americans. This is unacceptable. And, to be honest, it doesn't matter who the president is at this point. I would hope that citizens wouldn't tolerate this from any leader. This goes way beyond Republican/Democrat. This is a violation of fucking human rights.

Help was asked for a week ago. The governor tried to prepare. The mayor tried to prepare. But the poor city needed help, and the president and his red-tape cronies said no. They are directly responsible for the death of thousands.

Here's where I get childish and petty. But I can't express the amount of my frustration. I will bet money that he doesn't even know how to spell the name of the Pontchartrain. He came in to try and play hero, but this time no one believed his bullshit. The National Guard isn't around? Oh, that's cos we sent them to Iraq instead of more active military. Does no one else see how this entire administration has snowballed into something so out of control? We had better be damn grateful he can't do this for another four years. Am I the only one who sees this? Think back over his presidency. Think of the tragedies, injustice, etc. Now look at it in perspective, through the lens of what we now know. Thousands are dead, Americans and Middle Easterners alike, and it could have all been prevented. September 11th? We trained Al-Qaeda and gave them guns....and by we, I mean Bush, Sr. Look at the big picture. It's sad that we open our eyes only when our own citizens are affected on American soil. Wake the fuck up.

On the Subject of Love

Yeah, I fuckin said it. Shut up. It should probably have said "love."

Now, on to my point.....if that's what you want to call it. I actually have more of a question. Especially for you long-term relationship/married folks out there.

So, I used to be a hopeless romantic. Until a certain someone ruined all that. But whatever. These things happen, to everyone. So I can't exactly complain and groan on about how my life is empty and devoid of meaning cos I go my heart broken. It happens.

Here's the problem. For some reason, and I can't pinpoint what that reason is, since that time I haven't ever really used the bad "L" word seriously. Let me clarify, I haven't used it seriously with someone I was involved with. Family, best friends, etc, that's different. I have no problem saying it to them and meaning it.

So, I'm beginning to wonder what's happened, and I have a couple of theories. 1. I've become so jaded that I've disassociated myself with those types of feelings, and am thus not capable of them. 2. I haven't met anyone who makes me feel like that. 3. Maybe my definition of what love should look like has changed. I'm leaning towards number three. Let me explain.

I'm starting to think that in the naivete that is a 17-year old's mind, love is supposed to be one thing. This thing is defined by cheesy love songs and montages in romantic comedies and R&B music. Read: it's commercial. Maybe now I'm thinking that it's way more complicated than that. Maybe it's little moments that give you that rush, not having that light-headed dopey feeling all the time. Maybe I just appreciate different things now, or something. Maybe love isn't some all-encompassing romantic thing, but something much more real, tangible, if you will.

Now I've lost my train of thought. I have a really hard time putting what I'm thinking into words, and sometimes it comes out totally wrong and wierd. But if you get what I'm saying and you have input, let me know. Like I've said before, sometimes it's easier to see the truth from the outside, rather than when you're in the middle of the situation.

Things I Hate

Excessive amounts of anything on a sandwich or burger. Especially if it's mayo. Dear god. Thick, gooey, sometimes chunky goodness. I almost yarked.

I also hate whiny boys. "Oh poor me, life is awful, God hates me - even tho I don't believe in God - the bastard still hates me, I lose everything I love, why do you have to leave, why can't we just be happy together, let me share the darkness that is my tortured soul, please help me become normal, but fuck normal because it's overrated, but I love you because you're normal....." Jesus. Just shut the hell up. Please. Life sucks, get a helmet.

What else do I hate? Britney Spears. That retard is going to be someone's mother. For fuck's sake. I still maintain that in order to breed, you should have, oh I dunno, like 60 college credit hours. Why? Let me explain. This means you at least have the fortitude to commit to something, and see it thru. It also gurantees that you're not a total and complete retard. Also, it means that you're not sixteen and having babies. See? What's the problem? To be in charge of daily working activities of your peers you would need just as much, why then do you need nothing to be responsible for the entire life of another human?

Blah.

Having said all that.....

I love napkins, with which you can remove large globs of funky mayo. I also like boys who aren't completely damaged and don't whine about every little thing that ever went wrong in their lives. This is a good thing. This means you're healthy and know how to handle life, like the rest of the world. I also like people like me :-) People who realize that, at this current point in their lives, they are not ready to breed, nor do they want to. Why? I could list a few reasons, but that doesn't really matter. The point is making a conscious decision not to bring another (and I know I'm gonna catch hell for this) unnecessary life into this fucked up world.

Blah. Enough of that.

I'm happy right now. No, really, I am. Crazy, huh? The boy is wonderful (so far, I'll admit, I'm still waiting for the bottom to fall out). Work doesn't suck half as much as it could. And, that's about it, really.

I, Zombie

I don't remember the last time I've been this tired.

But whatever, I can hang. I'm hardcore like that.

Crazy week. Very crazy indeed. Those first few days back to work are always bad, but I think I got my ass handed to me this time.

But you know, I don't care. Cos life is...strangely good for the moment.

"What's the best thing to come out of Oklahoma?"

"I-35 South."

HA

RIP and stuff

Crap, not again...

Let me just say that I'm very tired of people dying. OK I know people die every day and stuff, that's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about people my age whom I've known since we were small children. I'm also tired of this happening repeatedly in a short span of time.

Flashback to the Summer of '01. This is what I lovingly refer to as "The Summer of Death." A few friends, all dead within a month of each other, all tragic. Overdose, car accident, murder.

Back to the present. Three more friends, not so close together, but a little closer to home. Heart attack, unexplained medical problem, car accident.

It's really exhausting. And this doesn't include family members and people who, in all honesty, had lived full, productive lives. That's different. That is, as bad as it may sound, more acceptable; easier to deal with.

I was talking to a good friend of mine, and we agreed: People our age shouldn't be talking about who died that we grew up with. We should be talking about weddings and babies and stupid stuff like that. But, you know, shit happens and that's how things work out sometimes.