Application to be my Boyfriend

Now, here is a simple questionnaire. Please fill out your answers and submit your application with a photograph of yourself and any pertinent information you feel I should know while processing your application. Keep in mind, there are no wrong answers, this just makes it easy for me to do a quick-analysis.

1. Do you have a high school education? If so, have you pursued any higher education?
2. Do you still live at home with your parents? If so, please explain why.
3. Is pot the most you ever experimented with as far as drugs go? Also, please give me your definition of what qualifies as a “drug.” Give examples if necessary.
4. Do you still realistically think that you’ll be a rock star someday?
5. Do you like dogs? Do you like cats?
6. Have you/would you watch either the entire Star Wars or Lord of the Rings trilogy in one sitting?
7. Could you name 5 Ozzy Osbourne songs before the Osbournes had a show on MTV? If so, did you stop wanting to after the show debuted?
8. Do you go to church? Is it on Swiss and Good Latimer?
9. Do you like hockey? If so, what’s your favorite team?
10. It’s Super Bowl Sunday. You are:
a. Throwing the best party ever! Beer, grilled meat, lots of people!
b. Attending a friend’s best party ever, because that’s where everyone is.
c. At home, watching the game with a few friends and some chips.
d. Doing anything but watching football.
11. How many girls have you slept with?
12. How many guys have you slept with?
13. Do you have an obsessive love for any one band? If so, please elaborate.
14. Do you hate country music?
15. Do you oppose racism but accept it as a viable source of humor?
16. Do you say “fuck” in front of your mom?
17. Can you cook? This means in a kitchen with real ingredients, not just on a grill.
18. You’re in love. She lives well over 500 miles away. The solution:
a. Pack up and move your ass. You care about her, not location.
b. Negotiate about who is moving.
c. She’s moving to you. If she cares enough, she will.
d. I don’t do long distance.
19. If you're going to the movies, do you get there in enough time to see the trailers?
20. Do you like Chinese food?
21. Do you have tattoo’s and/or piercings?
22. Your wife makes more money than you do:
a. This is a huge problem
b. Thank god, that means I don’t have to
c. Good for her, she deserves it.
d. She's probably sleeping with her boss.
23. Have you ever been arrested? If so, have you been convicted? Was it a felony? Did you go to jail?
24. Is beer an acceptable beverage for every occasion?
25. Essay: Explain, in 500 words or less, why Aerosmith and the Rolling Stones are or are not the exact same band.

Damn

And it was turning out to be such a good day...

So, you may have to reference previous blogs to understand this. But a select few will get it. I've had quite a few toys in my young life. Many were crappy and broken. One was perfect. Yet, this one was somehow unavailable. It was never really mine, but I got to play with it for awhile. Well, now said toy has been claimed by another little girl who wants to keep it forever. It's a sad day. But you know, life goes on. It was foreign made anyways...

On the Subject of Rain

So, it looks like the sky is going to fall out of itself any second. This makes me happy. Why? Because I love rain, and I love storms and all that fun crap.

Now this makes me reminsce on my days as a stupid teenager when I thought I was the proverbial shit.

So, and feel free to laugh ( I know I do ), there was a time when I thought I believed in magic a lot more than I really do. There was a time when I thought it was totally possible for a silly teenager in Texas to control the weather where she lived. And it didn't help that there were people around me who encouraged such silly behavior.

So, it occurs to me that there are still people, older than myself - meaning they should know better, who believe that this is still possible. Here's my theory. Yeah, storms may coincide with some people's emotions, but I think it's probably the opposite of what these yahoos think. I have a much easier time believing that the energy of the earth and magnetism created by extreme weather has an effect on human emotion, rather than vice versa. Nature is bigger than you, moron.

But I digress.

I'm still in the middle of packing all my stuff, getting ready for the big move of '05 in about a week. Such excitement. I've decided that I have entirely too much stuff, most of which is total crap. I'm doing my best to get rid of stuff, also known as the "moving purge." Lots of clothes have been given away, some furniture as well. Lots of kitchen crap is being disposed of, since I have way too much. So, it's going to look like this: Much bigger apartment, much less stuff to put in it. I like this. Someday I will overcome my family's packrat syndrome. Someday.

Being a week closer to moving means that I am a week closer to seeing my friend. This is a good thing. I think this is definitely a time for change, for me at least. My job is changing (slowly, but it should be a good thing), I'm moving, re-connecting with old friends, and I'm getting the itch for a new tat. This is always a good sign for me.

But anyways, it's lunch time, and I need a cigarette. Enjoy your Fourth of July weekend. I know I will.

I Love

Thunderstorms. A lot.

I also love playing in the rain at midnight.

I do not love what it does to my hair. But whatever, you only live once.

I also love people who force me to do what I really wanted to do in the first place, but wouldn't do on my own cos my stupid adult head gets in the way.

There are many other things I love about thunderstorms and rain and stuff, but, sadly those were lacking in my evening. But that's ok. Summer just started, right?

A Restraining Order is Just Another Way of Saying I Love You

I think I may have figured out something that I probably knew all along. But it feels good to get it back into my head again, a place it hasn't been since I was about 15.

Ready? Are you paying attention? Cos this is important.

I may have unlocked the secret to happiness within a relationship. Or at least what it should ideally look like. I never said I knew how to make it happen, that is for another day.

I listen to certain music from Back When and realize how much I related to a lot of what was being said. I remember thinking "That is how I want to feel." But here's the twist. It never occurred to me that that is how I wanted the other person to feel as well. Then one day my feeling was gone and other people were all but gushing with what I wasn't. There wasn't that balance. So I kinda closed off, intentionally or not, and haven't felt like that since. And that sucks.

So, timeline...I wanna do everything and be everything for him. He wants the same. Life is good. Fall out of love. I want him to be everything and do everything for me. Present. Neat how I can put eight years into three lines, huh?

This might not make sense to everyone, cos it's hard to put it into words when something like this clicks in your head. So, yeah. I'm not saying this was inspired by anyone in my life, quite the opposite, but that's ok. What matters is that it's now part of my waking consious again. And this is a Good Thing.

I now go back and look at past relationships and wonder if they would have been Forever had I pulled my head out of my ass for two seconds. But, such is life I suppose.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to conquer the world. Take my messages, I'll pick them up when I return.

The Wisdom of DFonten

I think I miss my old Team Leader. Life under the the DF style of management, or lack thereof, was a daily adventure. I miss our little chats about life, work, and the universe. They were especially entertaining on a busy Saturday, when I had more than enough work to keep me busy for more than my eight hours.

"So, Jen, you work a lot now that you're out of school."

"Yeah..."

"Ever get bored?"

"Yeah, now that I don't have a million things to do when I get home, it's kinda wierd..."

"You need a hobby."

"And what, in your infinite wisdom, should that hobby be?"

"Triathalons."

"No."

"How about a drug habit?"

Silence....

Amazing, isn't it? Welcome to my world. But you know, he may have been on to something. I can't possibly tell you how many times I've just sat down, totally exhausted with life in general, and wondered why I quit doing drugs. Ask my best friend. She, too, wonders why we quit. So now I'm thinking, what the hell...let's develop a drug habit again! Only this time, let's make it super-interesting! How about heroin! You know, cos the goal is to tread new ground here. Go for the gusto, take it to the limit, do it right, etc etc etc.

Or maybe I'll just read a book.

The Wisdom of Scott

Let me preface this by saying that only a handful of you, if that many will understand this. And I think I kinda like it that way.

Toys. Ah, remember childhood? For my generation it was GI Joes, My Little Pony, Pound Puppies, Stretch Armstrong, and Micro Machines. Yes, Micro Machines. I had them, I loved them. Shut up.

Now, there were toys that were awesome, and toys that sucked, and apparently we haven't outgrown the urge to want new ones, metaphorically. But you remember the deal, get a new toy, play with it till your eyes bled, which was about a week, maybe two, then toss it into the pile with all the others. But that's not my point. My point is, there are good toys and there are crap toys. For example, the Etch-A-Sketch is a good toy. You can be creative, express yourself, hone your hand-eye skills, and there have been great works of art that have come from this toy. Bonus? If you don't like what you see, you can just shake things up and make it all go away. Lite Brite, also a good toy. The Easy Bake Oven, not a good toy, unless you want (quoting Scott) "quarter-sized cookies and pancacke sized brownie loafs or something. You can't make spaghetti in an Easy Bake Oven." Same for the Snoopy Sno Cone machine. Oh yeah, we all had one, but was it really all that great of a plan? Things get messy and you end up with sticky syrupy crap all over you and the paper cup gets mushy and tears open and then you're just sticky and messy sad. Because your sno cone melted. The Slinky is a toss-up.

Anyway, I guess my point is that we really haven't changed all that much. I think I have, at present, a sno cone machine and a slinky. And you know, that's all well and good, but what if I really want an Etch-A-Sketch? Then we have a problem, cos my mommy didn't buy me one of those, and all the other kids have one and now I'm sitting here all pissed off cos I'm stuck with a stupid metal coil instead of what I really want. And everyone looks at my toy, and they feel pity. And dammit I don't want pity, I want a new toy! While it may not be an Etch-A-Sketch, I want that one toy that makes you forget about all your other toys.

Ultimately I think it kinda comes down to this. I'm playing with Barbies and Pound Puppies. I want GI Joe.