The Wisdom of Children

You know, I think we were all on to something before we grew up and became members of the establishment.

Think about this with me, if you will. As a child, you trusted everyone, you never in a million years thought anyone would intentionally hurt someone else, you trusted your instincts, and boys had cooties. What was so wrong about any of that?

A lot of people seem to think that some women are, and have always been man-hating nightmares. Not so. Here's the thing. No one came out of the womb hating men. It's not like you were born and just decided on the playground someday at the age of two that all men were cheating assholes, did you? No, you didn't. You thought they were gross cos they ate bugs. Big deal. You still liked them just the same. Cos they were kinda cute and icky all at the very same time.

When we were born, we were so trusting, especially of ourselves. We had good instincts and gut reactions. It was somewhere in the process of growing up that we were taught to be rational, and that sucks. We were taught to effectively ignore everything we instinctively felt. We believed in magic, fairies, unicorns, and God. Yeah, all at the same time, and there was nothing wrong with it. I just want to know when in the course of a lifetime that distinctive moment comes when you quit believing in what you don't see.

And I think the unfortunate answer to all of this is: adults. Someone, at some point told us we were silly, or that we needed to grow up, and everything changed. Our tiny little hearts got broken, we cried about it, and then we got assimilated. And I think that sucks. A lot.

Deep down, I really am that shallow

For some reason tonite has turned into one of those nights that I hate. I sit here, start thinking, and then just totally lose it. I start reflecting on life, love, and the universe. By that I mean, me. I bust out the microscope and try to get totally honest with myself. Which scares the fuck out of me because half the time I hate what I see. So, here goes

I'm pretty sure I hate me. I have this great image in my head of who I am, but it turns out that it's really just who I think I want to be. And it probably couldn't be further from the truth. The truth is, I'm a total fucking mess. I'm spoiled, I know it. Totally self-centered and mean, really. I want to be this crazy independent hardcore woman, and I'm really just this little child who is so scared shitless of everything that it's almost cripplng.
I'm totally over-dramatic about the stupidest little things. I blow shit way the hell out of proportion, I'm a jealous freak. I'm totally unrealistic. I imagine this great, all-encompassing epic love story that will one day be my life but I know deep down it'll all end up like "Riding in Cars with Boys." Why? Because I make shit decisions out of some stupidly twisted need to belong to something, or someone, who knows.
I have the worst self-esteem in the world, but I over-compensate by being totally obnoxious. Really. In my head I'm wicked smart and will be successful beyond belief and have more money than god, but I'm sure I'll end up living paycheck to paycheck for the rest of my life. I'm sure I've got potential to be a total bombshell but I have no self-control so diets and shit don't work. Let me re-phrase, I can't stick with them. I can't really stick with anything that's good for me. I'll never quit smoking because I'm really weak and I need something outside of myself to provide some kind of happiness or release or something. I have an addictive personality and obsess over stupid things like a fourteen year old. I'm probably a compulsive liar. Allow me to explain. I'll be painfully honest with everyone but myself. I'll never take my own advice. Why? Cos I know exactly what to say to get the perfect response from someone or to motivate them or whatever. I should have never taken psychology. That, or I'm totally open with others so I don't have to focus on myself. I wallow in self-pity a lot when I know I should just suck it up and fix what's fucked up. (See: this entire entry).
Maybe someday I'll figure out the secret to happiness. Maybe I already know exactly what I need to do and need to stop doing, but right now I'm too immature to take the steps to fix shit. I'm totally selfish and do a lot of stuff just because I want to, or because I think I want to. It's probably because it feels good at the time and makes me laugh. I'm petty like that. I treat guys like shit, and then I'm surprised when they do so in return.
My closest friends probably don't know shit about me, really. Maybe one does, and that's cos she's probably the only person who's totally honest with herself and everyone else and I love her for that. I wouldn't be alive without her. She's my hero. I love her and hate her at the same time, probably because I'm jealous.
And I'm sure this is all a phase and it will pass and I'll be back to my normal delusional self in the morning. But it feels pretty cool to rip down all the fake crap and get down to the true dirt of who I am. I do it a lot. So why, I wonder am I still like this? Cos that's just who I am. Neat.
But I digress...

Good Weekend

Indeed. It was a good weekend, sort of. Many parts totally indescribable for my purposes here. But trust me, good stuff. Got ride around quite a bit on Sunday with The Boys and then by myself. I think I fell in love with riding again - AWESOME - because I was starting to kinda not care, and that is never cool. However, I did have some minor frustration with the stupid HD dealership, but it will all be worked out soon. Or they will be sorry, very sorry *sounds of doom music* Anyway, I also forgot how sexy goth could be. But I remember now, despite Scott and his rantings. I'll give you that one tho, it can be a little creepy, the style has its benefits, so you hush. So yeah, great weekend. All I have to do is make sure the following week doesn't blow ass and make me hate the world again. Wish me luck.

Today....and everything that goes with it.

Ick. I feel like total ass right now. Headache from hell and it hurts to open my eyes. Neat. But what am I doing? I'm at work. Cos I'm hardcore. And I have no sick days left. Bastards. I don't love this. On a better note, saw last night that Rescue Me is coming back for a second season starting in June. This makes me happy. If you've never seen it, give it a shot. Denis Leary, FDNY, comedy, drama, etc. Some people hate it, but I loved it. It comes on FX and I don't know what day/time cos that crap is always changing. But this made me happy for a moment. And then I sneezed and it was all over. So tonight I go hang with all the kids from high school. Yay. Feel the excitement, really. Some I don't mind, we're still pretty tight. But most are morons who think it's totally cool to bring their kids to these kinds of events, and it's totally not. I don't want to have a nice buzz going and be interrupted by screaming urchins. But that will happen. And I don't want to sit all night and hear stories about their marriages and kids and blah blah blah. Neat. Good for you. Congrats, you know how to fuck and get pregnant. Your momma must be so proud. Then I get to listen to the "So, are you dating anyone right now" questions and everything that follows with all that. And I get to explain, yet again....No, not really, don't have time don't really want to, I didn't marry the first guy I slept with like half you idiots, yeah I really do enjoy being single, way more fun, yada yada. They smile, nod like they agree, but are still thinking "loser." Whatever. I am so sick to shit of getting these "oh you poor thing" looks and comments cos I'm not freakin married yet. Fuck off. I chose to get my education instead, and I refuse to feel bad about that. Jesus fucking Christ. Anyway, enough of that. I think I feel better. I would definitely feel better if I was at home in bed. Drunk. :-) So yeah, good times, good times.

Frustration

Neat. So I've been talking to my mom about the possiblities and limitations of moving back home. Logistically, it's a nightmare. Upon my moving out three years ago, my room was instantly converted into her craft/storage room. It would take a week or two just to clean it out, clean out our storage shed, move everything, find a place for most of my furniture, and then move the minutest amounts of my stuff back in. The rest goes to storage as well. Then there's the issue of actually telling my grandmother I have a motorcycle, cos I'd have to store it there. She would have to put up with my pups as well. So, I get the "Honey you know you're always welcome" speech along with the unspoken "Please don't come back and uproot our lives." So yeah. I have also come to realize that I hate my job. A lot. I wasn't totally happy with it before, but now it's becoming a beat down just to get up and drag my ass in every day. That is probably compounded with the fact that I may have the best opportunity that I may ever have coming just around the corner. But a lot is up in the air right now, so I think I might just be restless. And I'm not patient. At all. Ever. I think I just want change, and lots of it. I want a different apartment, a different job, and a different boy. Is that too much to ask?

Dance

Let's all dance our little dance and run and jump and skip and prance and look to the sun to melt our hearts and do nothing as it burns our eyes and our skin and our souls. Let's all dance our little dance and sprint to find caves to hide our face and duck into shadows to hide our wounds and grovel in our hate and misery and harden our hearts. Let's all wash our little hands and dance in the mud made from sands and pray that the rain will clean us and spread our arms and mis our tears and lose ourselves. Let's all dance our little dance and live our little lives and never question why things are and why it hurts so bad and why we do it to ourselves, running in circles and never changing while we slowly die and kill ourselves and kill each other and...

Lie to Yourself

Alone in the dark with only fading memories 
An elaborate scheme to further entangle the trappings of an already unkempt mind 
Wrap yourself in those lies 
Those eyes 
Like a warm blanket 
How long since you've seen this side of pain 
Not long enough, because it's still so surprising 
Just be quiet, tell yourself no harm has been done 
And go to sleep.