Snowbirds and Snowboards

Scott and I finally got around to taking a proper damn vacation.

We decided to head out to Colorado where we could see our friends Cortney and Bob. So we got to see some of the most beautiful scenery in the country and some of the most beautiful people we know. Double win.

After the longest drive I can remember ever attempting, we landed in Ft. Collins around 8pm on the first night. We were taken to one of the cutest sushi places I've ever been to, and ate ourselves stupid. At least I did. Something about delirium and hunger working together makes for a state of food-drunkenness the likes of which few have ever seen.

The next day, we went shopping for some proper snow gear for the upcoming snowboarding adventure. But first we grabbed lunch at the Rustic Oven. It may have been one of the best cups 'o tomato soup I've ever had. It was also our first photo-op moment.


Oh, and another chance for Tha Cote to take yet another picture of me with a drink in my hand. As is the custom.



We headed out to Breckenridge, with Bob at the wheel so no one died, since he was used to driving the treacherous mountain roads. Although, looking back, he was clearly drunk.



We found this little guy during a pitstop at a Sinclair station. I searched diligently for a "Please do not climb on the dinosaur" sign, and in its absence, we decided it was photo-op-tastic.



Apparently the best pictures were those of us attempting to climb on...Thanks guys.



We dropped our stuff at the hotel, then headed out to forage for dinner. We found ourselves at a place I would love on any day, but were skeptical as to the vegetarian options for our hosts. Thankfully, they had a rockin veggie burger and some kick-ass horsey sauce on the side. Thanks Murphy's. Your Irish Stew was pretty damn tasty, too. A rare moment was also captured on film. This is the preparation for a photo done by every person who has long hair.

And the proper photo that followed.


That evening, we hit up the awesome hot tub, and settled in for some (hopeful) rest before hitting the slopes in the morning. Cortney wasn't feeling her best the next morning, but was quite the trooper, insisting that it was going to be a good damn day, and it would be documented as such.

We booked it over to the rental place and got fitted for our boots and our boards.


But first. We pause to bring you this moose moment.


We squeezed into the car to begin the first true adventure of the day: Operation Where the Hell do we Park.



Gon-Do-La


Cortney and I both learned how to snowboard that day. It was great having another newbie to learn with, so we weren't alone in our we-don't-know-what-we're-doing-ness. We all got in a few good runs, and I'm stoked to go back, now somewhat knowing what I'm doing. It's rare that you learn to do something new like this at this point in your life...usually one gets on the sports and rec bandwagon of choice at a young age. It was great knowing that there's still so much more to do in the world.


We headed back home, stopping Denver to eat at this vegetarian place called Water Course. It was pretty freakin awesome, according to the veggie Reuben. I will say tho...the one you can get at The Old Monk is much better. At least there's one favorite thing I can still get back home.

Neutrality

A change in the weather, especially to Fall, has always done something strange to me. I love this time of year, truly. After the misery that can be August in Texas, even the hint of cooler weather is invigorating. It makes almost anything seem possible and reignites this desire to conquer the world. The idealism of that 17-year old who was finally free to do anything for the first time comes surging back to the surface. I feel like I should be embarking on this great adventure, or falling in love, or finally becoming what I’ve always thought I wanted to be. It’s amazing, and sobering. Because the reality is, I’m not 17. I’m already past 27, aren’t I? And what happened to those ideals, those goals, that fearless kid? I’m guessing she’s still around here somewhere.

What really happens is a time of re-evaluation, reflection….refraction. I know this pattern. It usually ends with a flipping upside down of everything in the name of sorting it out and the eventual cleanup. But this time…this time I can’t even begin to deal with the idea of that clean up. It’s too much. It’s amazing how big a mess you can make when you put your mind to it. Or maybe that’s what happens when you don’t put your mind to anything. Is the normal life simply that of one who has blindly followed the established formula? Add X, stir, simmer. Careful not to mix in Y, because then the whole thing becomes unstable. Chemistry is a cautionary tale. Too acidic, find something to neutralize the catalyst.

Maybe that’s the difference. The impulsive reaction is to be anything but neutral and boring. Be loved, be hated. Be anything but normal. Anything is better than being fucking neutral. Pull back for a minute. Survey. Stable job, long term relationship, roots put down, so much to lose. It seems like the perfect start to a perfect life. But perfection isn’t ideal. Perfection isn’t necessarily beautiful. It’s cold, sterile, formulaic. It only works if that was your goal. Maybe it’s really the perfect time to mix it all up again before it has a chance to settle or solidify.

So now what? Neither option is really ideal, but doing nothing changes nothing. A brief survey finds that I should be fucking grateful. And I am. Don’t let my introspection fool you into thinking that I don’t fully appreciate what’s right in front of me. Maybe that punk kid will always be in the back of my head, always fighting to usurp any form of establishment. She will always argue that growing up means I’ve given up. But maybe, just maybe, the secret is embracing her spirit, and not her methods.

“We can do a hell of a lot more damage in the system than outside of it.”

Because it has Always Entertained Me...

This little guy has never actually gotten me a boyfriend, nor am I technically in the market. But the absurdity and awesomeness of it all continues to amuse me. I'm a god damn genius.

Application to be my Boyfriend.

1. Do you have a high school education? If so, have you pursued any higher education?
2. Do you still live at home with your parents? If so, please explain why.
3. Is pot the most you ever experimented with as far as drugs go? Also, please give me your definition of what qualifies as a “drug.” Give examples if necessary.
4. Do you still realistically think that you’ll be a rock star someday?
5. Do you like dogs? Do you like cats?
6. Have you/would you watch either the entire Star Wars or Lord of the Rings trilogy in one sitting?
7. Could you name 5 Ozzy Osbourne songs before the Osbournes had a show on MTV? If so, did you stop wanting to after the show debuted?
8. Do you go to church? Is it on Swiss and Good Latimer?
9. Do you like hockey? If so, what’s your favorite team?
10. It’s Super Bowl Sunday. You are:
a. Throwing the best party ever! Beer, grilled meat, lots of people!
b. Attending a friend’s best party ever, because that’s where everyone is.
c. At home, watching the game with a few friends and some chips.
d. Doing anything but watching football.
11. How many girls have you slept with?
12. How many guys have you slept with?
13. Do you have an obsessive love for any one band? If so, please elaborate.
14. Do you hate country music?
15. Do you oppose racism but accept it as a viable source of humor?
16. Do you say “fuck” in front of your mom?
17. Can you cook? This means in a kitchen with real ingredients, not just on a grill.
18. You’re in love. She lives well over 500 miles away. The solution:
a. Pack up and move your ass. You care about her, not location.
b. Negotiate about who is moving.
c. She’s moving to you. If she cares enough, she will.
d. I don’t do long distance.
19. If you're going to the movies, do you get there in enough time to see the trailers?
20. Do you like Chinese food?
21. Do you have tattoos and/or piercings?
22. Your wife makes more money than you do:
a. This is a huge problem
b. Thank god, that means I don’t have to
c. Good for her, she deserves it.
d. She's probably sleeping with her boss.
23. Have you ever been arrested? If so, have you been convicted? Was it a felony? Did you go to jail?
24. Is beer an acceptable beverage for every occasion?
25. Essay: Explain, in 500 words or less, why Aerosmith and the Rolling Stones are or are not the exact same band.

And Now for Something Completely Different

I have neglected you all. I'm sorry. I'm also aware that there are more people who don't read my blogs than there are people who do. I'm fine with this. I probably over share, anyway.

After talking to a recently upgraded friend, I realized that it had been too long. I love to write, or at least I used to. So it's time to do that a little more. In transferring my older stuff to a brand new, shiny, for-blogs-only site, I realized how much I sounded like a child in my earlier writings. Too informal, way too much profanity to be taken seriously, but some real gems in there as well.

So here's the deal. I will write more. I will write like a real grown-up. And I'll write about things that more people might just give a damn about.

Now, my overall, it's-been-a-year-since-I've-talked-to-my-invisible-friend update:
We lost my grandmother last June. I can't believe it's already been a year, or how much I miss her.
I bought a house! We've been here for almost a year now, and despite some frustrations, it may be the best decision I've ever made.
I've had several amazing revelations about friendship, love, family, and the truth in all of these.
I am back in Grad School, but am taking the summer off.

There is immeasurable detail to go along with each of those points. But writing all down would be exhausting and self indulgent. Those that have been along for the ride know the good stuff anyway.

So I've decided to write more...as school allows, and will link at least this post to Facebook so that those of you who want to keep up, can do so.

Enjoy.

A Word on Gratitude

Fact: I’m not exactly an optimist.

Fact: I’m not really a pessimist.

.. ..

I bitch quite a bit about a small number of things. And I
realize that sometimes it gets stupid. Sometimes I go off about things just for
the sake of letting off some steam. However, in some of my limited down time
this week I’ve started thinking about things I hate, things I like to complain
about, and things that are pretty good all around me. I started to come around
to being a little more grateful for the good stuff and re-evaluate just how bad
the other stuff was.

It’s a good thing that process started early this past weekend,
because I’m fairly empathetic and tend to feed off of the moods of those around
me. For the last few days I’ve been surrounded by this strange brand of
negativity. An unwillingness to give people the benefit of the doubt. A
persistence to complain, repeatedly, about the behavior of others. Constant
negativity about the dynamic of an environment and about things that one is
powerless to change. It’s also been difficult to stay chill when others
over-react to every minor inconvenience or day to day happening in this thing
that is life.

I think what’s most difficult is that, for the first time in
months, I’m at a place where I want to take a positive look at things. I’m
tired of being frustrated and aggravated about things I can’t control. I’m
giving myself headaches at the least and god knows what else at the most. It’s
been a long time since I’ve been able to look at stupid things around me and
shrug. It’s kind of nice. And I’d like that it continue, but it’s hard when one
is surrounded by just the opposite. But that’s not really my point.

My point is that I’m kind of excited to be able to look at
things through a different filter. When I realized that some things don’t have
to suck so much, it was a great moment. A bit liberating, a bit refreshing, a
lot humbling. It’s true that there are a lot of things I hate about my job. A
lot. But it could be a lot worse. I could be working for minimum wage. I could
have no source of income. The reality is this: I get paid well for what I do.
And I get to travel (repeatedly) for free to places and events that people
dream of their entire lives. And I get paid to do that, too. As a result, I have
made friends all over the country, and sometimes it feels like coming home when
I go back to those places. That’s not a bad gig. My mother makes me crazy.
Crazy. But she’s still here, and I know I need to appreciate that, because it’s
not something I can get back once she’s gone. Same for my grandmother. I’ve got
this great relationship going that I never thought would go beyond a crush. I’ve
managed to stay mostly within my uber-restrictive, hospital-induced diet while
I’m out of town, and have only two days left on it. I’ve also managed to (as
far as I can tell) not gain weight on this dealer trip, and just bought my
first pair of size 8 jeans.

If one were to look at things objectively, I don’t have it
too bad right now. So, I’m taking good-thought donations in hopes that this
improved outlook will continue and that maybe I won’t sent myself into
heart-attack or aneurysm before I’m 30.

A New Day

It's a new day in America. And more than that, it's a new world. The results of last night's election are likely more profound than we can imagine at this point in history. Sure, we understand the American people have elected the first African American President. This alone is significant on so many levels, but the poll results for senate seats, governorships, and propositions speak volumes about who the American people have become. Much of it is encouraging; some of it demonstrates just how much more we can grow as a nation. Bill Maher said this of the United States (paraphrased), "There are a lot of people in this country who are ready to move on, to evolve into a cosmopolitan, enlightened society as exist in Europe, and join the rest of the world. But there are a lot of redneck idiots who won't let that happen." Until last night, I feared this would hold true, at least for another four years.

America has finally grown up, at least a little. The message sent by voters couldn't have been clearer. No longer will campaigns based on irrelevant personal attacks sway our focus on what matters most to us (take that Elizabeth Dole). We will no longer allow self-serving bureaucrats to hold their power for our fear of change. George W. Bush won on that platform four years ago. Not again. Hope was chosen over fear. The potential of a better world in our lifetimes resonated as truly possible. The rhetoric and fear-mongering of traditional politics and old Washington will no longer be tolerated by a people eager to leave the demons of their fathers behind.

I'm too exhausted by the campaign to dive into topics that have been discussed and over-dissected by political commentators and pundits for months. It's nothing we haven't heard, and nothing about which I'm likely to have a new opinion. Barack Obama isn't a Muslim. Sarah Palin isn't qualified to lead a country. John McCain could give out at any moment. Joe Biden should learn to shut up. We get it. Let's move on. Thank god we did. I'm grateful that it appears many were able to look past personal attacks and appearances and vote on issues affecting their lives.

What I do have energy to discuss are those who have angered and frustrated me during the past few months. Fact: I live in the Bible Belt. Fact: my vote for Barack Obama did nothing to win him electoral votes in Texas. Fact: I am in the minority of opinion in this part of the country. Fact: none of that changed my decisions at the polls. I hope this is true for you as well, regardless of your party affiliation. The right to, and act of voting itself is more powerful and precious than so much of the minutiae that tends to get in its way. I will not attack your intelligence if you choose to vote Republican. I will not vandalize your property should it bear a McCain sticker or Palin sign. I will respectfully discuss issues ideas with the understanding that our difference of opinion does not make us enemies. All I ask is that you do the same.

I also hope that whatever decision you made yesterday (or earlier, props to early voters), that you made it intelligently. Do the research. Find out what is important to you, and vote accordingly. But do not believe everything you are spoon fed by the candidates, the media, your family, or your church. Think for yourself. And for the love of god, be grateful we live in a nation where that is possible. Don't demonize those that disagree. Read. Learn. Try to understand. If you want to vote based on the abortion issue, go ahead. But educate yourself on what that really means.

Here's a public service announcement. Pro-Choice does not equal Pro-Abortion. Let me repeat that for those of you who still refuse to listen. Pro-Choice does not equal Pro-Abortion. I do not, nor would I ever, advocate abortion as a form of birth control. However, I don't presume to hold the high moral authority to tell other human beings what they can and cannot do with their own bodies. I can have my opinion on what is right, and what is wrong. So can you. But neither of us can force the other to act according those opinions. That's a violation of human rights, women's rights, and a slap in the face to those who founded this country to escape that kind of legislated morality. Separation of church and state. Those men were religious, some devout. Yet they had the wisdom to understand that your personal faith may not always be the best basis for running a country.

Of course, for the most part I am speaking to the extremists to the right and the left. At some point you're arguing semantics over who is more evil, insane, pick your adjective. Domestic terrorists who bomb government buildings in the name of freedom are cut from the same cloth as radicals who blow up abortion clinics in the name of God. The extreme to either side is scary, and neither is really intelligent.

But I was speaking of hope. Voters Colorado and South Carolina opposed measures that would have enacted wide-sweeping bans ..ion. South Carolina. Who knew? Massachusetts decriminalized the possession of small amounts of marijuana. That's right. An ounce or less is now only a $100 civil fine. Nebraska no longer sees the need for Affirmative Action. Prostitution is still illegal in San Francisco, and Michigan has further protected stem cell research.

I also spoke of disappointments and examples that we still have a long way to go. California overturned their Supreme Court decision to allow same sex couples to marry. The good news is that the existing 18,000 marriages since June will remain valid. Arkansas took a shot at domestic partnerships of all sexual orientation by prohibiting non-married couples from adopting or fostering a child. Don't lose hope. To all of my GLBT friends, I love you, and setback is not a loss. Change is in the air, and one day, we will all be free to love.

On a lighter note, Barack Obama has offered Rahm Emmanuel the position of White House chief of staff. I'm sure this is going to make a lot of people nervous. But it will also serve as the first of many affirmations that a lot of people made the right choice. This guy is tough, and he has a proven ability to get things done. And, you know, this is shaping up to be one of the sexiest White Houses ever.

A final thought. Here's something Bobby Kennedy said forty years ago. I was amazed at how relevant it is today, and how we were again faced with the same choice: hope over fear.

"People are selfish. But they can also be compassionate and generous, and they care about the country. But not when they feel threatened. That's why this is such a crucial time. We can go in either direction. But if we don't make a choice soon, it will be too late to turn things around. I think people are willing to make the right choice. But they need leadership. They're hungry for leadership."

Repost from Raven

Some good information. Let's not forget, even during the busy election season, that there's a lot of stuff going on in this effed up world.

Sexual Abuse: Surviving the Pain
Barabara E. Bogorad, Psy.D., A.B.P.P.
Founder and Former Director, Sexual Abuse Recovery Program Unit
South Oaks Hospital, New York

Specialists in the addiction field (alcohol, drugs and eating disorders) estimate that up to 90 percent of their patients have a known history of some form of abuse. Recent studies (Calam, 1989²; Blume, 1989³) point out that substance abuse, including "food abuse," is a frequent aftermath of early sexual abuse. Current studies (Koopmans, 1990⁴) demonstrate that the vast majority of children and adolescents who attempt suicide have a history of sexual abuse as well. However, many individuals are resistant to seeking treatment for sexual abuse. This is especially true for males and adolescents. Men are often extremely reluctant to admit to any history of abuse and often fail to identify it as such. Many survivors are in denial of the effects of early abuse and may fail to see any connection with later tendencies toward ongoing abusive relationships, feelings of self-loathing, inability to trust, or problems with intimacy. Some patients denigrate themselves further, claiming that their abuse could not have been "as bad" as that of other victims. All abuse is bad.

Identifying Adults Abused As Children

The effects of early sexual abuse last well into adulthood, affecting relationships, work, family, and life in general. Individual symptomatology tends to fall into four areas: ⁷

1. Damaged goods: Low self-esteem, depression, self-destructiveness (suicide and self-mutilation), guilt, shame, self-blame, constant search for approval and nurturance.

2. Betrayal: Impaired ability to trust, blurred boundaries and role confusion, rage and grief, difficulty forming relationships.

3. Helplessness: Anxiety, fear, tendency towards re-victimization, panic attacks.

4. Isolation: Sense of being different, stigmatized, lack of supports, poor peer relations.

Adult incest survivors may demonstrate some of the following symptoms:

• Fear of the dark, fear of sleeping alone, nightmares, night terrors

• Difficulty with swallowing, gagging

• Poor body image, poor self-image in general

• Wearing excessive clothing

• Addictions, compulsive behaviors, obsessions

• Self-abuse, skin-carving (also addictive),

• Suicidality

• Phobias, panic attacks, anxiety disorders, startle response

• Difficulties with anger/rage

• Splitting/ de-personalization, shutdown under stress

• Issues with trust, intimacy, relationships

• Issues with boundaries, control, abandonment

• Pattern of re-victimization, not able to say "no"

• Blocking of memories, especially between age one and 12

• Feeling crazy, different, marked

• Denial, flashbacks

• Sexual issues and extremes

• Multiple personalities

• Signs of posttraumatic stress disorder

Certain issues appear repeatedly. For example, victims typically blame themselves for the abuse, even if they were two or three years old at the time of the event. Guilt and shame are expressed, along with intense feelings of rage⁸

If the rape or molestation was committed by an individual of the same sex (i.e., a man abusing a boy), questions regarding sexual orientation tend to arise in the patient ("I must be gay; after all, a man raped me!"). Female victims will frequently develop sexually promiscuous lifestyles in an effort to "conquer" the situation and bring it under their control. In other instances individuals will largely withdraw from any social or sexual interactions in order to avoid the feared stimuli, and turn toward extremely isolated lives.

The connection that is made for victims between sex and pain (love and humiliation, closeness and betrayal) is a particularly disastrous one. Frequently patients will express and/or demonstrate the belief that the only way to be loved or cared for is if they are also being abused ("I knew if I didn't let him keep beating me, I'd always be alone"). Often, in the extreme, physical and sexual abuse are even viewed as a normal part of everyday life. Healthy boundaries do not exist for these individuals, and therefore, healthy relationships are impossible. Victims will actually respond to feelings of loneliness or sadness by abusing themselves (e.g., self-mutilation) if the "significant other" is not available to do so.

One of the more difficult issues that arise is the recollection, by some individuals, of experiencing a certain amount of physical pleasure during a molestation or incest. This adds enormously to the sense of being at fault and "dirty." Thus, one of the aims of treatment is to educate survivors as to normal physiological responsiveness. The realization that their feelings are/were normal helps tremendously toward alleviating the sense of shame.

Even when individuals have spoken of their abuse prior to group treatment, any pleasurable aspects have typically been denied. The opportunity to relate to others who have shared these feelings, as well as the experience, is part of the healing power of this form of therapy. The sense of isolation, of being "different from the whole world," quickly begins to subside. It is only in revealing the secrets and dealing with the pain that survivors of sexual abuse can and do go on with their lives.