Ah, Clarity

I'm a big fan of letting life roll and simply enjoying the ride. Of taking in the experiences, good or bad, and learning from them. Sometimes it's an easy lesson; sometimes it breaks you. Sometimes you're grateful to make it out alive. At some point, you have to hit the brakes, or hit the wall. Or both. What good is real experience if you don't take just a little time to evaluate it?

I also really believe in being true to, and listening to yourself. And that's where I sometimes get tripped up. I'll ride out a situation long after I know it's a bad gig, just to see if maybe something will get better around the next curve. Lesson: it probably won't.

Having said all that, these past couple months have provided more insight, experience, lessons, fun, and pain than I thought possible. It's exhausting, but I love it. Thank you to those who force me into experience and self evaluation. Thank you to those who keep me grounded. Thank you to those who know I need honesty, not pandering. And thank you to those who say what makes me feel better, even when we both know it's crap.

I really do have the best friends in the world.

Addendum to the Application

I found something that more perfectly adds to the "Application to be my Boyfriend" than any question I could ever ask. Excuse the plagiarism, but it's straight from this new book I'm reading. Sometimes, other people have found ways to say exactly what you want better than you ever could. So here it goes.....

"You don't pronounce dog "dawg", lounge in Sean John velour, and you know jewelry belongs on a woman, not your neck. You don't refer to yourself in the third person or drink anything pink. You do eat carbs but will never Blackberry over dinner. You would never say "the bomb," or "nizzle," but an occasional "bi-atch" for good measure is okay. If you always order teriyaki at Japanese restaurants, I'm not the girl for you. I need someone with a sense of adventure, even if that means a spicy tuna roll. LOL would never be used in any of your communications with me. You've experienced pain at one point in your life, have evolved communication skills, and want to find a partner. You're intelligent, tender, and audacious with an enduring sense of character. You know when to swallow pride, grab me, and fight for it. An emotionally available man who doesn't acquiesce because it's easier than confrontation has a spot beside me. Men with mommy and daddy issues or who manage their anger with drugs or alcohol need not apply. A robust sexual drive is essential, really, no seriously, I mean it. Enjoy photography, listening to music, with me by your side, sipping wine from your glass (preferably, you'll be the one creating the music with your acoustic guitar? My God, noting is sexier) Holding my hand and kissing me on the street is a have-to. It's all about passion. I crave it and give it, good. A good first date would include honesty and alcohol. And, most of all, be armed with an attention span, and appetite for everything, and an open mind."

Roller Coaster

I find that categorizing any one thread of consciousness as "life" to be a little redundant.

However, since my thought patterns bounce from deeply personal to trivial to profound to ridiculous in a matter of minutes, I'll allow it. I choose to blame this one on either inefficient choices or my own inability to focus. Either way.....

The past few weeks have been a little blurry. I have, for the first time in years, lost my sense of time and perspective. I can't say that I hate it, but it's not comfortable. My immaturity has led me to seek out all forms of distraction from what I should be doing while my responsibility has kept me somewhat grounded. Somewhat.

I can't remember a time outside of my mid-teens (just like everyone else) when I've been through such extremes of emotion, mental stability, and the most frightening of all, consciousness.

Gut-wrenching pain to childlike euphoria. Complete apathy to undistracted motivation. Unquestionable confidence to crippling fear. Irrational rage to quiet resignation. Fill in with varying degrees of numbness and salience.

A profound thing happens when you realize you have the power to control a large part of what happens in your life. It's empowering, and terrifying. Think about it. If you don't like where you are in life, you can change it. Sure, things might get worse before they get better. Or they may not be what you thought. But therein lies the experience. And it's all about the journey, after all.

In the middle of recent events, advice from multiple sources has come flooding back to haunt and help me. Some came from my mother, from friends, mentors, my own crazy mind. Some I should have listened to the first twenty times, some I thankfully took immediately to heart, and some I've yet to get through my head and really accept. So, for purposes of The Greater Good, I'd like to share some things that have saved me.

First and foremost: Pinpoint your passion.

Don't expect anyone else to make you happy.

Don't compromise what's important to you, for anything.

You don't have to make the same mistakes twice. Or maybe you do.

You are beautiful.

We only get one shot at this life, and wasting time is the biggest disservice you can do for yourself or anyone else.

Your parents are human, too.

A great smile and cute shoes will only get you so far. After that, you'd better have some substance to back it up.

Don't expect him to change. Choose what you can and cannot accept, then decide if it's enough.

There are an infinite number of people in this world to love and share infinite lives with. Who's to say there's really only one?

Failure doesn't build character.

Rage against the dying of the light.

If you do not find peace in yourself, you will never find it anywhere else.

Your behavior has consequences.

Be willing to fail.

The quarter life crisis hit me square in the face like nothing I've ever experienced. Why? Probably because I expected it to. Maybe I needed an excuse to pull my head out of my ass for a second. I need to remember a few things, above all. I'm young. Really. At 25, I've experienced more than I ever thought I would and more than many of my friends ever will. And for that I'm grateful. But I know now that I've barely scratched the surface of what life could be. I have all the time in the world to check things off my list. Or crumple it up and throw it in the fire, ready to accept whatever things that forces stronger than myself have planned.

I hope some of this is helpful. Some of you will dismiss these as emotional masturbation. That's fine. Maybe it is. Who's to say I've never been selfish? But rest assured, my intentions were mostly noble. And finally, something new, for the looking forward....

"Believe, when you are most unhappy, that there is something for you to do in the world. So long as you can sweeten another's pain, life is not in vain." - Helen Keller

Every Now and Then

A Horoscope Hits it Right on the Head......

Cancer for 10/29/07

"You must learn how to hold your emotions to yourself in order to be more effective in the world. Keep in mind that this won't make you feel any less. In fact you will be more inclined to stay in touch with your feelings once you realize that you don't have to expose any of them unless you want to. Don't worry about what you don't say; you'll know when it's time to share."

Florida, Etc

I was really hoping that this would be more interesting. But here you go, nevertheless.

I wake up at oh my god o'clock on Tuesday to get to the airport. The travel out there was fairly uneventful. The Atlanta airport has smoking lounges, for which I was most grateful, until I got out of them and realized I had to smell like complete awful. We get into Ft. Lauderdale and, after a brief yet spirited debate over whether we should drive the HH3 or the Pontiac SUV, we get to the hotel. The Hard Rock. Most excellent. If there's one thing I love more than travel, it's music history. I had, of course, a sweet ass room. And I've decided that ritzy bathrooms with way too pretentious showers make me almost as happy as travel and music. Especially after a day on an airplane. So it's dinner, drinks, and bed.

Day two. Drive around and visit most of the dealerships in the area. All I remember about that day is the (excuse the overuse of the word) most pretentious mall I've ever seen. Upscale foodcourt with nearly the best salad I've had in my life. I later learned those monsters started at $24 each. Glad someone else paid. I called it a fairly early night that evening, since the day before was a beast. Thanks Denise.

Day three. Quite possibly the best day at, ahem, work I've ever had. From about 9ish to noon we go to the other dealerships, then it's back to the hotel for a bit of down time by the immense and wonderful hotel pool. The tan is maintained through at least the end of October, a good run for the year. Thank you southern Florida.

Day four involved four of the most painful hours in a car I've ever experienced. Florida doesn't have much in the way of scenery along the main interstates. But anyone who has taken their bike out for any amount of time knows that to be true of most states. The rest stop on ramps were fun, and the brakes on the car work just fine, thankyouverymuch. Also, radio down there sucks. They love Nickelback way too much.

The rest of the trip was spent in Daytona, at the massive Rossmeyer compound surrounding the dealership. The fundraiser dinner, I hear, was good, but the party afterwards was killa. This was the introduction of my girl Shel to the trip, the beginning of several late late late nights, and the reason I'm still probably hung over. Managed to find a few dives with great patios and views, as well as an education about what they call Red Tide.

Small annoyances on the travel back home, but ending with dinner and a few beers with a good friend. I missed you guys.

I saw some interesting things, had a really good time for a work trip, but found out a little more about myself. This was, I believe, part of the plan. I need to drink less, smoke less, eat less. None of that is news. I also need to worry less about what I think people are thinking. I will start finding those cool things that I want to do, instead of sitting around wishing I'd done them when I had the chance. I should have learned that lesson while riding through the Black Hills a year ago, but I didn't. But like a really smart guy pointed out to me one time, I need to learn every lesson twice. And, after reading this, I also resolve to remember more, and write like I know I can.

Florida and Biketoberfest

Heading out to FL to do some work type stuff. Two years ago I worked Bike Week in the Spring. The dealership begged to have me back for Biketoberfest and I've been dying to go back ever since. Now I get to. But I'm missing the excitement that I feel should be in here somewhere. Maybe it's because I'm not really working the event. Maybe it's because I know I'll miss half of it. Maybe it's because I'm a little more than jaded on travel for now.

The latter makes my heart hurt. Travel, of any kind, makes me happier than most things. Today I resolved to find new things and places to explore and experience, even though I've been there before. There's too much of this world not to take it in the biggest gulps and gasps possible, and to find the extraordinary in the every day. So that's the plan, no matter where life or my job may take me.

Wish me luck.

I Agree with Scott

I don't want to post a "Never Forget" bulletin and feed into the emotional pandering that seems to happen this time every year. But I do find it healthy to reflect on then and now.

Let's start with the obvious. Where was I? In the middle of my Intro to Criminal Justice class at UNT, Sophomore year. It was a huge class, and I think half of us ended up graduating together with CJ degrees three years later. We had a guy in the class who worked for American Airlines. He stands up, and tells everyone he's got to leave. "A plane just hit the World Trade Center." Sure it seemed odd, but he left and we finished class. When we got out, everyone was watching the TV's posted around campus, and it was only then that we understood what had really happened.

I met my friend Sara at our smoking spot, called my boyfriend, told him we were going to war, and left school, since everything was shutting down. We jumped in her car, put the top down and just drove around for most of the day. We listened to talk radio, since there was no music playing that day. We talked about how weird it was to not see planes in the sky. We debated, both internally and with each other, what this meant for our liberal political views.

Now, six years later, I think we know the answer. It meant that little would change. We were suspicious and untrusting of our government then, and we still are. We supported our soldiers then, and we still do. What are the implications? I don't know. I don't want to think an event like that would have no impact whatsoever. But I would want to believe that people now think more for themselves than they did before.

But that's just me.