A Restraining Order is Just Another Way of Saying I Love You

I think I may have figured out something that I probably knew all along. But it feels good to get it back into my head again, a place it hasn't been since I was about 15.

Ready? Are you paying attention? Cos this is important.

I may have unlocked the secret to happiness within a relationship. Or at least what it should ideally look like. I never said I knew how to make it happen, that is for another day.

I listen to certain music from Back When and realize how much I related to a lot of what was being said. I remember thinking "That is how I want to feel." But here's the twist. It never occurred to me that that is how I wanted the other person to feel as well. Then one day my feeling was gone and other people were all but gushing with what I wasn't. There wasn't that balance. So I kinda closed off, intentionally or not, and haven't felt like that since. And that sucks.

So, timeline...I wanna do everything and be everything for him. He wants the same. Life is good. Fall out of love. I want him to be everything and do everything for me. Present. Neat how I can put eight years into three lines, huh?

This might not make sense to everyone, cos it's hard to put it into words when something like this clicks in your head. So, yeah. I'm not saying this was inspired by anyone in my life, quite the opposite, but that's ok. What matters is that it's now part of my waking consious again. And this is a Good Thing.

I now go back and look at past relationships and wonder if they would have been Forever had I pulled my head out of my ass for two seconds. But, such is life I suppose.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to conquer the world. Take my messages, I'll pick them up when I return.

The Wisdom of DFonten

I think I miss my old Team Leader. Life under the the DF style of management, or lack thereof, was a daily adventure. I miss our little chats about life, work, and the universe. They were especially entertaining on a busy Saturday, when I had more than enough work to keep me busy for more than my eight hours.

"So, Jen, you work a lot now that you're out of school."

"Yeah..."

"Ever get bored?"

"Yeah, now that I don't have a million things to do when I get home, it's kinda wierd..."

"You need a hobby."

"And what, in your infinite wisdom, should that hobby be?"

"Triathalons."

"No."

"How about a drug habit?"

Silence....

Amazing, isn't it? Welcome to my world. But you know, he may have been on to something. I can't possibly tell you how many times I've just sat down, totally exhausted with life in general, and wondered why I quit doing drugs. Ask my best friend. She, too, wonders why we quit. So now I'm thinking, what the hell...let's develop a drug habit again! Only this time, let's make it super-interesting! How about heroin! You know, cos the goal is to tread new ground here. Go for the gusto, take it to the limit, do it right, etc etc etc.

Or maybe I'll just read a book.

The Wisdom of Scott

Let me preface this by saying that only a handful of you, if that many will understand this. And I think I kinda like it that way.

Toys. Ah, remember childhood? For my generation it was GI Joes, My Little Pony, Pound Puppies, Stretch Armstrong, and Micro Machines. Yes, Micro Machines. I had them, I loved them. Shut up.

Now, there were toys that were awesome, and toys that sucked, and apparently we haven't outgrown the urge to want new ones, metaphorically. But you remember the deal, get a new toy, play with it till your eyes bled, which was about a week, maybe two, then toss it into the pile with all the others. But that's not my point. My point is, there are good toys and there are crap toys. For example, the Etch-A-Sketch is a good toy. You can be creative, express yourself, hone your hand-eye skills, and there have been great works of art that have come from this toy. Bonus? If you don't like what you see, you can just shake things up and make it all go away. Lite Brite, also a good toy. The Easy Bake Oven, not a good toy, unless you want (quoting Scott) "quarter-sized cookies and pancacke sized brownie loafs or something. You can't make spaghetti in an Easy Bake Oven." Same for the Snoopy Sno Cone machine. Oh yeah, we all had one, but was it really all that great of a plan? Things get messy and you end up with sticky syrupy crap all over you and the paper cup gets mushy and tears open and then you're just sticky and messy sad. Because your sno cone melted. The Slinky is a toss-up.

Anyway, I guess my point is that we really haven't changed all that much. I think I have, at present, a sno cone machine and a slinky. And you know, that's all well and good, but what if I really want an Etch-A-Sketch? Then we have a problem, cos my mommy didn't buy me one of those, and all the other kids have one and now I'm sitting here all pissed off cos I'm stuck with a stupid metal coil instead of what I really want. And everyone looks at my toy, and they feel pity. And dammit I don't want pity, I want a new toy! While it may not be an Etch-A-Sketch, I want that one toy that makes you forget about all your other toys.

Ultimately I think it kinda comes down to this. I'm playing with Barbies and Pound Puppies. I want GI Joe.

Icky

I have decided that I'm such a guy it's not even freakin funny. Wonderful. Maybe it's cos I've had to be the dominant force in every damn relationship I've had, maybe it's just how I'm wired. I don't know, it doesn't really matter why, it just matters that it is.

How do I know this. Check it. I think I'm a total commitmentphobe. Maybe it's cos anyone about whom I've even entertained the idea of marriage about has been totally unqualified (See: who I don't want to meet). Or maybe I really just can't commit to one person, or can't get close to one person. Who knows if it'll be like that forever, but that's how it is right now. Which leads me to this very guy-ish lifestyle. The second I think I might start actually falling for someone, or feeling something other than "I wanna jump your bones" then I bolt. It's kinda like that Meat Loaf song...."I want you, I need you, but there ain't no way I'm ever gonna love you." But hey, don't be sad boys, cos y'know, two out of three ain't bad.....

I guess somewhere in my subconscious I know that when the perfect person does indeed materialize then all that other crap will just melt away. In theory. Who knows. Maybe there was a time when I was just so completely sure that I knew exactly what it would like like, and nothing has since then. And that's damn annoying.

Seriously, this lesbian thing isn't looking too bad. If only I didn't like boys so freakin much. Maybe that's the problem. Too many boys. All boys, all still about 17 in thier heads, both of them. I know half of it is my fault, cos I like the boys that will never be good for me. Someday I'll learn they're called Bad Boys for a fucking reason. But god they're fun. Besides, and anyone who thinks I'm too much like a sister right now might wanna cover their ears, good boys aren't good lovers. Never found one. I'm hard to deal with, I need someone pretty hard core, or I'll walk all over you. So yeah...

And I've also become quite the snob. See again, who I don't want to meet. I've dated too many of the wrong people, and I'm tired to shit of it. Potheads, pillheads, cokeheads, losers, lazy boys, freeloaders, puppies. Oh dear god am I a puppy magnet. I'd like to find someone who doesn't swear undying love after two weeks, and oh god I can't live without you if you leave I'll just goddamned die. Fine, just don't get blood on my carpet.

The Wisdom of Children

You know, I think we were all on to something before we grew up and became members of the establishment.

Think about this with me, if you will. As a child, you trusted everyone, you never in a million years thought anyone would intentionally hurt someone else, you trusted your instincts, and boys had cooties. What was so wrong about any of that?

A lot of people seem to think that some women are, and have always been man-hating nightmares. Not so. Here's the thing. No one came out of the womb hating men. It's not like you were born and just decided on the playground someday at the age of two that all men were cheating assholes, did you? No, you didn't. You thought they were gross cos they ate bugs. Big deal. You still liked them just the same. Cos they were kinda cute and icky all at the very same time.

When we were born, we were so trusting, especially of ourselves. We had good instincts and gut reactions. It was somewhere in the process of growing up that we were taught to be rational, and that sucks. We were taught to effectively ignore everything we instinctively felt. We believed in magic, fairies, unicorns, and God. Yeah, all at the same time, and there was nothing wrong with it. I just want to know when in the course of a lifetime that distinctive moment comes when you quit believing in what you don't see.

And I think the unfortunate answer to all of this is: adults. Someone, at some point told us we were silly, or that we needed to grow up, and everything changed. Our tiny little hearts got broken, we cried about it, and then we got assimilated. And I think that sucks. A lot.

Deep down, I really am that shallow

For some reason tonite has turned into one of those nights that I hate. I sit here, start thinking, and then just totally lose it. I start reflecting on life, love, and the universe. By that I mean, me. I bust out the microscope and try to get totally honest with myself. Which scares the fuck out of me because half the time I hate what I see. So, here goes

I'm pretty sure I hate me. I have this great image in my head of who I am, but it turns out that it's really just who I think I want to be. And it probably couldn't be further from the truth. The truth is, I'm a total fucking mess. I'm spoiled, I know it. Totally self-centered and mean, really. I want to be this crazy independent hardcore woman, and I'm really just this little child who is so scared shitless of everything that it's almost cripplng.
I'm totally over-dramatic about the stupidest little things. I blow shit way the hell out of proportion, I'm a jealous freak. I'm totally unrealistic. I imagine this great, all-encompassing epic love story that will one day be my life but I know deep down it'll all end up like "Riding in Cars with Boys." Why? Because I make shit decisions out of some stupidly twisted need to belong to something, or someone, who knows.
I have the worst self-esteem in the world, but I over-compensate by being totally obnoxious. Really. In my head I'm wicked smart and will be successful beyond belief and have more money than god, but I'm sure I'll end up living paycheck to paycheck for the rest of my life. I'm sure I've got potential to be a total bombshell but I have no self-control so diets and shit don't work. Let me re-phrase, I can't stick with them. I can't really stick with anything that's good for me. I'll never quit smoking because I'm really weak and I need something outside of myself to provide some kind of happiness or release or something. I have an addictive personality and obsess over stupid things like a fourteen year old. I'm probably a compulsive liar. Allow me to explain. I'll be painfully honest with everyone but myself. I'll never take my own advice. Why? Cos I know exactly what to say to get the perfect response from someone or to motivate them or whatever. I should have never taken psychology. That, or I'm totally open with others so I don't have to focus on myself. I wallow in self-pity a lot when I know I should just suck it up and fix what's fucked up. (See: this entire entry).
Maybe someday I'll figure out the secret to happiness. Maybe I already know exactly what I need to do and need to stop doing, but right now I'm too immature to take the steps to fix shit. I'm totally selfish and do a lot of stuff just because I want to, or because I think I want to. It's probably because it feels good at the time and makes me laugh. I'm petty like that. I treat guys like shit, and then I'm surprised when they do so in return.
My closest friends probably don't know shit about me, really. Maybe one does, and that's cos she's probably the only person who's totally honest with herself and everyone else and I love her for that. I wouldn't be alive without her. She's my hero. I love her and hate her at the same time, probably because I'm jealous.
And I'm sure this is all a phase and it will pass and I'll be back to my normal delusional self in the morning. But it feels pretty cool to rip down all the fake crap and get down to the true dirt of who I am. I do it a lot. So why, I wonder am I still like this? Cos that's just who I am. Neat.
But I digress...

Good Weekend

Indeed. It was a good weekend, sort of. Many parts totally indescribable for my purposes here. But trust me, good stuff. Got ride around quite a bit on Sunday with The Boys and then by myself. I think I fell in love with riding again - AWESOME - because I was starting to kinda not care, and that is never cool. However, I did have some minor frustration with the stupid HD dealership, but it will all be worked out soon. Or they will be sorry, very sorry *sounds of doom music* Anyway, I also forgot how sexy goth could be. But I remember now, despite Scott and his rantings. I'll give you that one tho, it can be a little creepy, the style has its benefits, so you hush. So yeah, great weekend. All I have to do is make sure the following week doesn't blow ass and make me hate the world again. Wish me luck.